How We Got Here
by WIWJ
Summary: My Preamble to Election Day gone slightly AU to fully AU.. MAJOR.SPOILERS.Last chapter! It's a preview of Getting Back There.. the next peice in the fic.
1. Panic

**How we got here**.

Lou was screaming at him about California, that's how it all started.

Somewhere there must have been music, or maybe even actual sirens, he wasn't sure. He rubbed his hands over his face, yanking at the tie around his throat. He didn't see Donna look up at him from across the room. He hadn't even known she was in the room.

"Josh?" He didn't hear her.

Lou shot an annoyed glance at herand went back to her rant.

"Stop." Donna told her sharply raising her palm. Her heels clicked across the floor. "Joshua?"

She wasn't fast enough. He was out of the room before she had walked the ten feet between them.

"Damn it!" Lou watched her arm fulls of folders crashed to the ground. sending papers streaming everywhere, as she ran out the door.

Edie stuck her head out of her office as Josh ran by with Donna on his heels. He busted out the door to the balcony, his hands gripping the rails, gasping for breath.

"Josh?" Donna grabbed him and turned his body around to hers.

"I can't breathe." He told her in a panicked whisper pulling at the buttons on his shirt.. Edie reached for the phone, thinking he was having a heart attack. "I can't-."

"Yes you can." Donna told him calmly laying each of her hands on the sides of his face and pressing his forehead to hers. Edie sat the phone back down and watched them as Ronna crept up behind her. "Yes you can. It's not real." He gripped at her biceps and whimpered. "It's not real. You can breathe. Take slow breaths." She pulled her hand off of his face and pressed it to his chest. "You're okay." His hands came to hers, pressing her palm harder against him. "I'm here."

"It hurts Donna." He whispered.

"It's not real." She told him again. "It's just a memory. It's over. I've got you, Joshua.""

He nodded his head against hers before slipping it down to her shoulder and wrapping his arms firmly around her.

Edie and Ronna exchanged glances.

"Come on." Donna whispered softly pulling him by the hand back into campaign headquarters. She looked at the women starring back at her. "Tell Lou we're taking a minute." She said softly. Josh kept his eyes on the floor and followed Donna out of the room.


	2. Passion

"I missed the signs." Donna whispered grabbing a bottled water out of the mini bar and walking back over to the bed. He looked at her from where he sat.

"Yeah, and it's not like you've been busy or anything." He said softly, his reality starting to fall back in to place around him.

"Yeah well it's my job to take care of you." She muttered to herself with out thinking.

"No it's not." He reminded her calmly. "Not anymore."

She blinked up at him, he was looking at his hands. She lowered her head until she was level with his eyes.

"It's always going to be my job, Josh." She told him firmly watching him smile at her. "Here." She handed him the water before she went to her purse and dug through it to the bottom.

"Donna don't tell me you still have-?" He stopped his question as she pulled a small prescription bottle out and held it up triumphantly for him to see. He shook his head at her before tilting it up to the ceiling.

"What?" She walked back over to him and opened the bottle. "Hey? Talk to me."

"I don't deserve you." He was talking with out moving his lips like he did when he was being his most candid.

"What?" Her voice hit the higher octaves. He knew that meant she was surprised he said it.

"I don't. I'm a coward." He met her eyes as she went to drop the pill into his hand. She hesitated. "I can't even follow your lead."

"Why didn't you take the key?" She said suddenly, he looked at her pretty eyes. "Josh?"

"I hesitated. Then they took it." He told her, again without moving his lips.

"Why did you hesitate?" She was studying him.

"I don't deserve you." He repeated looking at her like it was obvious. Her hands went to his face and she pulled her mouth to his and kissed him hard.

"Don't ever say that again." She told him softly running her hands down his arms. "Promise me." His eyes scrunched together. "Josh?"

He nodded slowly, bringing his hand up to her cheek and touching it softly. He pulled her face back to his, wrapping his other hand around her waist and turning her onto her back on the bed.

He pulled away from her for a second, tracing his fingers down her face.

"I need you." He told her as his voice shook. "If this is going to make me loose you again.." She lifted her body up and kissed him again.

"I'm here Joshua." She told him. "I'm always going to be here."

He kissed her again, bringing his fingers back to her face. He felt her hands on the buttons of his shirt. He pulled a hand back and let it slide under her blouse and up her chest, skimming the edges of her bra. She pressed his shirt back off of his shoulders and he sat up to shrug it off, looking back down at the five buttons of her blouse. He undid them slowly, watching her face. Letting her shirt slip off, she arched her back and unhooked her bra. He ran his fingers under one of it's lily white straps.

"We're really going to do this." Whispered to her, still looking at the strap. She moved her finger under his chin until he looked at her. She smiled at him slyly. "Donna?" She nodded watching him hook his finger under the strap and pull it back.

He slowly brought his lips back down to her skin. She pulled at the button of his pants until it slipped open she used her feet to push them to the ground. She tugged on on the bottom of his boxers as he fought with the belt on her skirt.

She moved her fingers over his and unhooked it with ease. He laughed a little, unfastening the clasp and pulling it off of her, finding a matching pair of ivory panties. He ran his hands over them slowly before he took them off.

He looked at her again, letting his eyes sweep over her body below him. He met her eyes, and she bit her lip. He grinned shaking his head slowly back and forth before he lowered himself over her. Kissing her perfect lips and stroking his hands through her hair.

She had been the one who sped things up. She had been the one who put her hand on the small of his back and drew him to her. He'd just followed her lead.


	3. Past

"Josh!" There was banging. "Josh!"

Donna rolled from his side and looked up at the ceiling.

Ronna. It's Ronna.

"Josh do you have Donna?"

Donna heard Josh snort, trying to hold in a laugh at the obvious pun.

"JOSH!"

"WHAT?" He yelled back in his most authoritative tone.

"CJ Cregg has been trying to reach you. She says it's an emergency! Something's happened." The woman yelled through the door.

Donna gasped a little and Josh shot her a terrified look.

"She said to make sure Donna was with you when you called her." Josh was scrambling into his boxers and turninghis phone as he ducked into the bathroom.

Donna put on his hotel robe and threw the door open.

"What else did she say?" She said ignoring the shocked look on the womans face. "Ronna, what else did she say?"

"Nothing. She was clearly upset. I tried to get her to tell me and she um... just muttered something about having to tell the Sr. Staff first." Donna nodded, looking back towards the bathroom. "And to make sure that you were with Josh." It had to be Bartlett, something had happened to Bartlett.

"Thanks." Donna nodded closing the door. She turned the bathroom handle and slipped inside. Josh reached his hand out to her and she took it.

"And you're sure he's-. No, I'm sorry, I just-. I know. And someone's with her? Yeah." He shot a look at Donna and her eyes widened at his expression. "Yeah she's right here. We'll be right over. We have to tell-." His head bobbed down. "Okay." He closed his phone and looked at Donna. "The secret service just.." She reached her hand up to his shoulder. "Leo." He said softly pulling her to his bare chest. "Leo... died."

* * *

They all sat around the table in the Roosevelt room, starring at each other.

"Someone should call Toby." CJ whispered. "I- I'm not allowed to call.."

"Sam can call him." Will said softly.

"_Sam_." The word slipped out of Josh's mouth, Donna squeezed his hand. "No, don't make Sam. I can call him. We've-. He's been helping me. I can-."

"Yeah, but you shouldn't." Donna whispered. "He's been calling you, you don't know what would happen if you called him."

He smiled at her.

"You knew?" She gave him a quirky look. "Of course you knew. It's your job."

She smiled at him.

"Carol? Can you call Andi? She can tell him." CJ whispered nodding to her former secretary. She nodded back.

"Margaret went home?" Charlie asked.

"I had Kate take her." CJ nodded.

"We need to call Sam." Donna ran one hand across her face and the other down Josh's back.

"How long has it been since you've talked to Sam?" Will was looking at Josh. Josh looked at Donna, she closed her eyes.

"I'll call Sam." Charlie mumbled wandering out into the bullpen.

"How did we get here?" CJ said softly, her voice breaking. "Scattered all over the place, not even talking to each other?" She shot her eyes to Josh then slid them to Donna. "How did we get here?"

Donna laid her head on Josh's shoulder.

"Time passed." He said shakily, he felt the lead weight of Leo's words in his chest before he whispered them into the room. "People move on."

CJ shot him the same look of betrayal that he had shot Leo when he said it a year ago. He leaned into Donna and looked away.


	4. Predicaments

"I know how we all got away from here." Donna said softly, tilting her head towards Josh's chest. "Sometimes I wonder how we got here to begin with."

"That's easy." He told her leaning his head back against CJ's couch cushions. "Leo brought me, I brought Sam, Some political idiot Leo fired brought Toby and Toby brought CJ." He looked down at her face. "You." He smiled widely. "You just showed up." He leaned forward and kissed her gently. "Thank God." She smiled at him, the silence returning.

"How are we going to get back, Josh?" Her voice was soft and innocent.

The door leading to the oval opened and CJ walked back in. She stopped, looking at them with her red eyes.

"Josh." Her voice was unreadable.

"CJ?" His was just exhausted.

"You just won California." She smiled oddly at him watching the look of understanding that crossed his features.

He felt his stomach drop and his mouth slip open. He clicked his eyes back to Donna. She mirrored his astonished face.

"That's how." He whispered to her.

* * *

"He isn't talking phone calls right now, Lou." Donna put her hand over her face. "I know. You're going to have to handle it." She sighed loudly. 

"I'm not taking phone calls either. Yeah well.. I'm taking Josh's not my own." She looked at his crumpled form sleeping on the other end of the couch.

"Look, as of right now? You're the deputy chief of staff of the incoming administration. Your COS and Press Secretary are away on a family emergency. You're the go to gal. You tell me, what are you going to do?" Donna grimaced.

"Well too late, go with plan B." She closed her phone and leaned back against the couch.

"So. What was plan A?" CJ asked quietly slipping back into her office.

"Complaining to Santos that his COS was sleeping with his Press Secretary." Donna cringed running her hand back over her face.

"What?" CJ's voice took on a pleasingly astonished tone. She sat down in her desk chair and rolled towards Donna. "You and Josh?"

Donna's fingers spread from her face, revealing one eye and a portion of her embarrassed smile.

"Damn! Leo's been up there less than 24 hours and he's already running things his way." She grinned back.


	5. Places

_The air feels thick_. Josh thought to himself standing on the White House lawn.

He took a deep breath.

_Maybe it's me. _

He wandered back into the building, winding through the familiar hallways until he came to the bullpen.

He had instintivly known she'd be there. She had avoided it last time, Josh had wondered why. Did she think it would jinx the campaign? Did she think it would bring back memories she didn't want? He was afraid it was that one.

He wondered if all the memories from that room were tainted for her now. Tainted by his non-goodbye. He could see her sitting there in the empty room on the empty desk that used to be his. Theirs really. It was just as much hers as it was his.

He froze watching her through the open door. How had it become so difficult? How had they gotten to the place where their bodies were in sink but their minds were still stuck teetering on the edge of what had transpired outside that door a year ago.

She hadn't been back since that day. The day she'd left him standing there looking like an idiot. Looking like a lost kid at WalMart waiting for his mother to magically reappear.

_I should have ran after her. I should have chased her into the parking lot. I should have told her then. That was the moment. I should have told her. Kissed her, begged her to wait for me to pick a guy. Begged her to wait until we could leave together._

Maybe she didn't want to go back to that day, back to their place. It was where they had found and lost each other. It was where they were Josh and Donna. It was where she'd walked away from him and he had let her. Josh swallowed hard, longing to walk away right now himself. While at the same time, longing to never move from this spot again.

She looked up at him, it was only then he noticed she was crying. She wiped her eyes, studying him for answers. He wondered if the questions were about Leo or them? Who her tears were for? A slow smile spread across her face, she slipped off of his desk and met him at her old one.

_Now or never. Now or never._ He wanted it to be never. He didn't want to ever think about that day ever again. He had to through. He had to tell her.

"If I could go back Donna, I'd take you to lunch." The words strangled out of his throat as it tightened, his eyes burning with the sudden rush of salty tears. Her lips trembled for a moment and he blinked to read her eyes with his. He knew now he was right, she'd been avoiding this memory.

"I shouldn't have-." Her voice broke, he brought his hand to her face tracing away her tears with his thumb.

"I miss you." He whispered, she tried to choke back a remorseful sob. "I miss you so much. You're right here... You're right here with me and I miss you. We work together everyday and I miss you." He brought his lips to hers and kissed her. "We do that and I still miss you. We make love and I still miss you. Where are you?"

Her shoulders shook forward in short choppy movements, her near silent sobs making little sniffing noises on each return of breath.

"Are you here? Is this where you are?" Her arms came around him now. One winding up from his neck into his hair while the other slipped under his elbow and across his back. "I need you Donna. I need you." He rested his forehead on hers. "Where are you?"

"I'm here Josh." She pressed her lips together sniffing at the tears pooling above them. "I am."

"I can't feel you." He pleaded, praying she'd understand his words. He didn't even understand his words.

"Just let me in." She pulled him tighter to her, his chin burring itself in her shoulder. He pressed his face into her neck.

"How?" He whimpered from her hair.

"Talk to me." She whispered. "Just talk to me, Joshua."

"I'm.. I'm so scared." She smoothed back his hair and he squeezed her tighter. "I needed him. I needed him to talk it through with.. To tell me what to do... I-I can't do it."

"Yes you can." She soothed. "You can. CJ will help you. CJ's been there."

"CJ doesn't get me." He whispered sounding like that lost little boy again.

"I get you." She breathed, turning her cheek and kissing the side of his head. "I'll help you Josh. I'll be there." He pulled up a little meeting her eyes for a second before pressing his head back into her.

"Don't ever leave me again. Donna please.. don't ever leave me again."

* * *

He was standing in his office looking the same as he had on the day he left. 

Well, older maybe, more tired if that was even possible, but the same.

Sam almost felt like old times. It almost seemed close enough to touch.

"Hey." He turned towards him, almost dropping the file he was holding.

"You came." Josh whispered, appraising his friend for a long moment. "You're here."

"Yeah." Sam shook the handle of his briefcase nervously, lowering his voice to Josh's level. "I'm here."

"I'm- I'm-. You're here." Josh sputtered quietly.

"Why are we whispering?" Sam shook his head then rattled the handle again. Josh's eyes followed the noise down until he saw what it was. "Josh?" His head popped back up. "Why are we whispering?"

Josh shook himself out of his stupor and pointed to the brown leather couch where Donna was sleeping.

"She's.. tired." He said absently. "We've.. you don't sleep the last few days... "

"I remember." He nodded his head. It hadn't been so long that he didn't remember campaigns.

"Yeah. Well.. she's tired." His eyes took in the sight of her body on the couch like she was an Adonis. _Somethings never change, _Sam thought to himself.

"Josh?" _Hello? Best friend standing here. One you haven't seen in a really long time._

"Yeah." He was 'standoffish' Josh, 'emotionally distant' Josh. 'I'm barely keeping it together' Josh.

"Should I be doing something?" He was starting to feel nervous.

"Like what?" He was being aloof now.

"Like a job or something?" He sighed. Didn't people have to be called? Didn't things have to be ordered? Isn't that what happens when someone dies?

"I hear Vice President Elect has an opening." Josh looked at his shoes before lifting a smirk up towards his friend. Sam didn't smile. "Talk to Margaret and Debbie. They're handling everything with.. the.. you know.." Sam nodded again.

"How are you doing?" He nodded his head with the question, Josh smirked at that.

"I'm okay." He shot a glance back to the woman on the couch. "I'll be okay."

"I'm going to go talk to Margaret then." He nodded towards the door.

"Sam?" Seaborn turned, his briefcase swinging up as he did. "I mean it, you know? We need a VP. We need a Communications Director. We need a cabinet." Josh's voice trailed off.

"I-. It's good to see you Josh." He watched the look of realization come to his best friends face before he nodded his head back down until he was looking at his shoes.

"Yeah." He looked back at Donna, Sam knew what he was doing, seeking strength from her.

"We should get a beer while I'm here." Sam said, his voice lifting optimistically, like he was suddenly trying to please his big brother or something.

"Yeah." Josh took a loud staggering breath and looked at him quickly. "Sure." Sam nodded back, his head dropping slightly as he turned and walked back towards the oval. "Sure. Not like I have a country to run." He heard Josh mutter to himself before the door closed on his old office.


	6. Points

**A/N This chapter is all about what happened with Josh and Sam.. and how he and CJ had more to do with Donna's departure than we know.. or in CJ's case then Josh knows. I know it makes Sam seem harsh.. but I can totally see it happening quickly before he realized it was even happening. But fear not.. it's going to be a long fic. and this will all make a nice tidy ending.. i'm almost positive of that. so.. Sam lovers.. don't hate me.. I love Sam too.. he's just apart of a very complicated misunderstanding between Josh and Donna.. cause I know.. that Josh did not expect Donna to hold his coat forever.-- Lori**

**

* * *

**"What the hell did you do?" CJ's voice cut through the silence of the room. 

Josh jumped out of his chair and headed towards the doorway, glancing at Donna as he quickly pushed her into the hall.

"CJ." He pressed his lips together.

"What's going on with you and Sam?" Josh looked down at his shoes. _What did he do? Run crying to CJ?_ "Josh?"

"Nothing." Josh's eyes never left his shoes.

"Josh how long has it been since you've talked to-?" _CJ! CJ! Josh is being mean to me!_

"CJ." He sighed her name again.

"What the hell's going on?" She stepped closer, he moved to the side away from her but further from Donna's ear shot.

"Nothing." He whispered.

"Josh Lyman he is your best friend! How long has it been since you've-?" She pushed.

"CJ!" He said a little more firmly. _Screw Sam_.

"Let me guess no matter what I ask, your answer is going to be 'nothing'?" He watched her eyes narrow on his.

"It's nothing for you to waste your time-." He rubbed his face, feeling the rising tension start to build up.

"It's Sam." Her voice was almost accusatory.

"I KNOW IT'S SAM!" He yelled. _Don't you think I know it's Sam?_

He took a deep breath, she took a step back.

"I know it's Sam." He whispered.

"I.. I just want us all to-." Her voice was almost desperate, pleading.

"I know." He mumbled remorsefully.

"It's none of my business." She nodded softly.

"CJ, I'm..." He closed his eyes for the apology.

"No.. this is.. I'm.." She put her hands up as she sputtered.

"I.. We'll talk later? I.. can't do this now.." He shot her a helpless look. "I'm-."

She nodded sympathetically accepting his non-apology before slipping back towards her office.

Donna was starring at him when he walked back through the door.

"What's going on?" She asked warily, the sleep still heavy in her voice. He knelt down beside the couch.

"Nothing go back to sleep." He said softly. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Sam's here?" He nodded slowly, studying her before breaking eye contact. "Josh you have to let it go."

"Yeah?" He looked towards the wall absently. _You have no idea.._

"Josh?" She whispered softly.

"Yeah." He conceded matching her volume.

"Let it go." He nodded as she said this, his eyes still focused on the wall.

"You should go back to sleep." He told her slowly sliding his gaze back to her sympathetic expression. She blinked at him, concern deep in her eyes. "I'll.. fix it... I'll let it go."

"Good." She said softly.

"Okay." He breathed.

"He didn't do it to hurt you." She told him.

"Okay." He breathed again with more finality. She watched him for a moment before he stood up and kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep."

* * *

"Sam." She'd been standing there for a while, waiting for him to notice her. 

"Donna?" He smiled at her cautiously. "You look good."

"You too." She smiled back over the overwhelming silence.

"Do you hate me too?" He looked at his folded hands as he spoke. Same old Sam.

"He doesn't hate you." She told him honestly.

"I betrayed him. I broke the trust." He shook his head back and forth. "He doesn't give that back."

"I broke the trust. I got it back." She told him firmly, sounding more sure of that then she felt.

"He doesn't love me, Donna." He gave her a pointed look

"He loves you Sam." She crossed the room and sat on the edge of CJ"s desk.

"Not like he loves you." Sam looked up at her. "Despite early DC rumors."

"Sam." Her voice was more sentimental than she'd wanted it to be.

"I didn't mean it. I knew it wasn't like I made it out to be." He took a deep breath and leaned his head back.

"He knows that." She told him.

"It would have been easier to fix if I had meant it that way."

"Sam." Donna warned.

"I wasn't like that Donna." He swallowed hard.

"I know." She stood up and walked across the room.

"I'm sorry." Sam muttered at his hands.

"I know." She sat beside him on the couch.

"He loves you." He looked at her when he announced this, like she would be shocked.

"I know." She did.

"It wasn't about the job." He told her in a pained tone.

"I told you, I know that now, Sam." _Don't do this._ Donna thought. _Don't tell me this. Not today._

"He couldn't-." Donna knew Sam wanted to make sure she got it. She didn't want to hear it out loud.

'_Where are you?' 'I can't feel you.' and 'Please don't ever leave me again'_ were enough for one day..

"I know." She tried to make him stop.

"I shouldn't have.." He groaned.

"It's fine Sam." Donna said softly. _Please stop_.

"No." He shook his head. "It's not."

"You're right it's not." Josh's voice distracted them both.

"Josh please." Donna stood up and put her hand on his chest.

"No. Lets do this."

"He didn't mean it."

"No? He planted the whole idea in Will Baily's head. He.."

"Please?" She tried to catch his eyes, he pulled them away.

"He told Will, you -anyone who would listen that I was trying to keep you from succeeding on your own. That I wanted to keep you indebted to me. That I needed you to need me. He said..."

"Josh I am so sorry." Sam whispered.

"Sorry you said it? Sorry you meant it? Or sorry I found out it was you?" He asked harshly.

Donna dropped her head to his chest. He took her by the shoulders, moving her gently aside.

"You wanted me to fix this." He said softly, still avoiding her eyes. "This is how I'm fixing it." He moved closer to Sam. "You made her feel like I thought she was-."

"I just wanted her to have every chance to-."

"No. You thought I was hurting her. Using her.. that I.. wanted her to be dependent on me." He shook his head. "You told her to leave me."

"If that's why you're angry with Sam then you should be angry with me." CJ's voice from the doorway almost sent Donna over the edge. "I told her the same thing."

"Excuse me?" Josh turned sharply to her.

"Please not now." Donna put her hand on Josh's arm.

"What did she say to you?" He finally met her eyes, his were blurry. "Tell me."

"Josh." Donna opened her mouth and closed it again.

"I told her she should do something -anything that didn't include you." CJ confessed.

"When?" He was still looking at Donna.

"Just before she left for Gaza." Donna sniffed back a cry when CJ's words registered in his eyes.

"_Gaza_." He breathed the word out slowly, painfully.

"Josh." She pleaded.

"Then you-. You told her that I..." He looked at Sam who was watching in horror. "And I.."

"Josh."

"Do you know then?" He looked at CJ quickly, she shook her head. Donna gave him a confused glance. "Do you know what he said to me when I told him you left me?"

She glanced at Sam, he swallowed hard.

"I didn't mean it." He squeaked.

"I told him that you had left. We argued about it. I told him I had tried to give you more opportunities. That I had wanted to.." He took a deep breath. "He told me that..." He looked at Sam, who shook his head. "Tell her."

"Josh." He closed his eyes.

"Tell her what you said to me." He said firmly.

"No." He shook his head. "Josh I wasn't thinking. I forgot-."

"Sam?" Donna looked at him for answers. "What did you say?" Josh took the moment.

"That maybe she wants to work for someone who's opportunities don't involve getting blown up." Josh whispered the words like he'd recited them a hundred times. _He probably has._

Donna's face paled, she heard CJ's sharp intake of breath.

"My best friend." He looked towards CJ. "Two of my best friends. You both thought I was completely un-. So you took away the one thing thatkeptme human?"

Donna kept her eyes on him.

"This?" Sam caught his chaotic gesture from the corner of her eye and turned to watch him.

"This is how we got here." Joshstarted for the door. She reached her hand out, but he was already pushing past CJ and into the hallway.

"Josh!" CJ started.

"No." Donna said sharply. "He needs a minute. Give him a minute."

"Donna, I'm so sorry." Sam said again.

"Yeah." She muttered, realizing she sounded like Josh.


	7. Paths

She'd gone after him a few minutes later. CJ walked the few feet between them.

"So, you convinced Will to go after Donna?" She said bluntly. "The political mastermindwas you?"

"So you convinced Donna to leave Josh?" He countered. "The completelymistakenLove Dr. was you?

"Touché." She flopped down next to him on the couch. "We shouldn't have interfered?"

"Apparently Josh actually _did_ know what he had in front of him the whole time?" Sam sighed.

"This is how we got here." CJ said softly.

"Got where?" He turned his head to her.

"So far apart." She kept looking straight ahead.

"That wasn't all." He said softly. "Not with me and Josh. He can't handle it when people leave."

"I think that's why Toby couldn't handle it when Josh left." She nodded.

"People move on." He watched her wince.

"Why does everyone keep-."

"Leo.. said it to me when I left. He said it to Josh when Donna left. Leo.." Sam explained.

"We took away the thing that kept him.." She paused before Josh's word.

"He couldn't stay here without her." Sam decided.

"Yeah."

"He wants me to come back. Work for Santos.." He faced CJ, turning his body towards her. "After everything he-."

"He's scared. He wants people he can trust. Why do you think he picked Leo? Toby's been helping him in the shadows.."

"I know." She winced. "We've.. I've been.."

"I can't-." She closed her eyes.

"I know." He said reluctantly.

"Everybody's been talking to him except-?"

"He misses you too." She choked out a sob as Sam said this.

"Is he alright?" She asked regaining her dented composure.

"Nah, he's Toby he'll never be alright." Sam tried to sound flippant and failed. "He's determined to go down with the ship." She nodded they sat in silence.

"You should go work for Santos."

"It was an olive branch and I snapped it in half." He sighed.

"He needs you."

"He needed her."

"Yeah."

* * *

"You didn't force me to go to Gaza, Josh." Donna spoke softly to his back.

"I put your name on the list. I got you a diplomatic passport. I offered you up to them like a prize." He muttered from the window. "Here have my whole world. Have the only person who is capable of making a whole being out of me. Have _her_."

"You got me back." She wrapped her arms around him from behind.

"And lost you again." He sniffed.

"I came back to you. Again."

"I -." He turned around and gripped her shoulders. "I didn't want you to need me. Not professionally. Not forever." She nodded. "I wanted us to leave together. I wanted you with me. We're a team."

"I shouldn't have believed it. I should have believed in you."

"I should have told you every day." He kissed her forehead and pulled her into him. "I will from now on. Every day. You're my-." He brought his face to hers.

"Humanity?" She chuckled.

"Love." He said breathlessly , kissing the fold of her eye where his mouth had been.

"Josh?" She felt his fingers under her chin as he lifted it.

"My Love."

"Joshua."

"Hey there you are." Will's voice brought them back from the moment. "The president wants to see us all in the residence."

"Will has horrible timing." Donna whispered to Josh. He smiled.

"How is he?" He asked, putting his hand reflectively on the swoop of Donna's back.

"Holding on." Will said grimly. "Did you see Sam?"

"Yeah." Josh sighed. Will winced, touching his glasses as he looked down.

"Look, Josh, I should have never told you-."

"It's fine Will." Donna murmured.

"How's the whole.. running the government thing going today?" Josh mused.

"I guess I can tell you now huh?" He tried to sound cheery.

"Guess so." Josh sighed again.

"Slow." He shrugged. "It was more yourday than ours.." Will picked up the pace.

"He means well." Donna said softly.

"Yeah." She stopped walking for a split second.

"Did you just say you loved me back there?"

He smiled at her nostalgically. It had been to long since there last White House walk and talk. He held the door open for her. "Yeah."

"I thought so."


	8. Party

He let the president hug him, one hand still reaching back to grasp Donna's, utterly frightened to let go. He realized that he hadn't hugged CJ, or Sam.. of course not Will Baily.

He'd hugged Annabeth at the hospital, folding his arms around her. They had been _close_, she and Leo. Josh and Donna close, CJ had told them when they'd come for the foreign affairs briefing. Helen had been sarcastically identifying Annabeth to Josh as _'your new mommy'_ at every opportunity she had.

Donna had been the one to tell him that they were in fact _quiet_ close. He'd laughed, admonishing his surrogate father for sleeping with his aide, as he pulled his former assistant across the bed to secretively make love to her again.

"I had to wait nine years." He had whined snuggling up to her soft naked body. "He didn't even make it through the campaign."

_Thank God_. Thinking that Leo had died knowing he was loved by someonewas what was kept him going today. It was also why one of his hands was still reaching back to grasp Donna's.

She was his anchor. His humanity. His love, and he would be damned if he was going to be without her ever again.

"Josh." Bartlett smoothed back the younger mans hair like he was a little boy.

It was no secret that Sam and the rest of the staff had gotten a huge jump on the drinking. The President of the United States smelled like a bar fly.

"This election.. he was having the time of his life Josh." Josh tried to smile, he knew it wasn't working by the way Jed Bartlett's eyes had dropped to the floor. "I mean it Josh. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way." He nodded at his former boss before the older man leaned in and kissed Donna's cheek.

"Our little Donna's all grown up." He breathed nostalgically. "Congratulations Dear." He shot Josh a quick wink and hit him with his elbow. "On everything."

"When did you become my Creepy Old Uncle Oscar?" Sam joked drunkenly coming up from behind them. "Are you going to pinch her cheeks next and pull a penny from behind his ear?"

"Ahh.. Congressman Seaborn isn't it?" He turned towards Sam. "That's Creepy Old Uncle President to you." He pulled Sam into a huge hug.

"Face it old man, you're days here are numbered Sir." Sam added the title for protection, mumbling into the presidents shoulder. Bartlett gave one of his rare out loud laughs.

"CJ? How did this stuffed shirt get on the guest list?"

"He wrote it Mr. President. Margarete assigned it to him."

"That's what your career has come to? You've gone from the state of the union to party guest lists? The House has not been so good for you Samuel." He glanced at Josh giving him a knowing smile, with out knowing anything. "You should throw him a bone Josh.. make him the Secretary of Agriculture or something."

Josh smirked, feeling Donna's hand tighten on his. He wanted to leave, to walk back to the townhouse and pull her into his bed with her and sleep for a year.

Instead he was hugging Abbey Bartlett. She was eying his beer and inquiring about his blood pressure medication and if he'd been getting enough fluids. He held up the beer smiling. She frowned seriously and asked again. He gave her his deer in the headlights look and pulled Donna towards them.

"Am I getting enough fluids?" He asked her warily, never breaking his gaze with the First Lady.

"Probably not." Donna muttered. "But I did get you to eat an orange two days ago."

"Fluids." Dr. Bartlett shook a finger at him before walking away.

"Yes Ma'am." He turned to Donna and rolled his eyes. "It would have killed you to say yes?"

"It would have killed you to answer your own question?" He considered that arching his eyebrow and shrugging slightly. She had a point .

"Sorry." He kissed her forehead. "It's this building. It makes me want to make you do thing for me."

"It's the building huh?" She rolled her eyes at him. "Good to know since we're going to be working in it for another four years at least."

"But I'll have a new assistant." He told her pointedly.

"You have a new assistant now." She took the beer from him, reaching over and grabbing a bottled water.

"But I don't like him." He narrowed his eyes as she handed the drink to him.

"That's because he's not as hot as me." She said softly, drinking his beer.

"Why is that again that I have an unattractive _male_ assistant?" She shrugged. "Donnatella? Did you or did you not assign said assistant to me?"

She shrugged again, pressing her lips together to in vain as her cheeks arched up into little circles.

He kissed her again.

"I love you."

"You keep saying that." She smirked at him.

"You could say it back." He said flatly, giving her a serious look. She suddenly looked horrified.

"I didn't?" She furrowed her brow and he shook his head, smiling slightly as his expression lightened. "I do." She put her hand to his cheek. "You know I do?"

"I know you do." He lowered his lips, letting them hover over hers.

"I love you Josh." She whispered against them before lifting her head up for a chaste kiss.

"Sir! Josh and Donna are making out in the residence!" CJ yelled clapping her hand playfully over Danny's eyes. He pretended to be scribbling notes on the palm of his hand.

"You're fired Josh."

"I don't work here, Sir." Josh said happily.

"Oh right.. then kiss her once for me." He said laughing.

"Creepy Old Uncle.." Sam was muttering as he took another swig of his beer.


	9. Pushing

**A/N Okay.. i love that everyone is mad at Sam. I'm mad at Sam and I know he didn't mean to do it. Which he didn't. Sam's just Sam. Don't worry angry mob.. Josh won't just forgive him flat out.. and as for CJ who's deed was much more disasterously traumatizing to both Donna and I.. She's.. we'll she has to live with knowing 'how we got here'...**

**

* * *

**"Is it too soon?" He looked hopefully at Donna, who bit her lip thoughtfully. He could not leave this silly party fast enough. 

"No. You're tired out from running a presidential campaign.."

"And you?"

"Josh I think they know."

"They know.." He said, gesturing to the White House family clustered behind them. "But they.." He chucked his thumb towards the West Wing. "..Have no idea. Is this how you want it to come out?"

"I don't care how it comes out." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "I just want it out."

"Really?" She nodded. "Then I'll just have Will add it to the briefing tomorrow morning. Oh by the way.. the former DCOS apparently was, in fact, in love with his assistant. You remember her right? The hot little number half his age?"

"Hot little-? Josh, I'm not half-! It's only ten years! Unless you're actually sixty three. In which case you are down right miraculous in-!"

"Ah-bup-bup!" He sputtered grabbing the beer from her hand and looking at her pointedly. "You're done."

"Hey Will? If the press asks, yes I'm taking my drunken barely legal mistress home." He yelled across the room.

"Got it!" The press secretary called over the now cat calling crowd, nonchalantly raising his eyebrows in a goodbye. Donna grinned at Josh like he was nuts before he lead her from the Residence.

* * *

"Yeah." He leaned over the side of the bed, muttering into his cell phone, utterly amazed that the woman beside him never stirred. 

"_Josh_."

Sam? Damn it! He should have checked the damn-.

"_Did I wake you_?" He sounded shocked.

"What time is it?"

"_One thirty_." Sam told him incredulously.

"In the morning?"

"_No.. Josh.. in the_-." His voice teetered on amazement.

"I slept till one in the afternoon?" He looked back at Donna who was finally stirring behind him. "We slept till one in the after-."

"You have got to be-?" She bloted upright.

"We haven't done this since-." Roslyn. They both though, exchanging glances.

"Yeah." She breathed.

"_Hey Josh_?" Oh yeah... Sam.

"Yeah." He turned his attention back to the phone.

"_I wanted to_.." Josh swallowed hard. "_I think we should talk._" Josh's eyes drifted shut, he tried to focus on the sound of Donna moving around the room behind him. "_Josh_?"

"Yeah."

"Is it Lou?" She said frantically, grabbing for the phone. "I need to talk to her."

"No" He tried to move away. "Baby, it's not Lou." He muttered moving out of her grasp and running his tired hands across his face.

"_Baby? Wow that's-_." Sam began.

"Shut the hell up, Sam." Josh growled. Donna stopped moving and sat down on the bed beside him.

"_It's just.. you guys are really-_." Josh felt his chest tighten. He should have checked the caller ID.

"Yeah. And thanks to your help it only took us-!"

"Josh." Donna whispered softly laying her hand on his shoulder.

"_Like I said, we need to.."_

"What if I don't want to hear what you have to say?" Josh snapped.

"_Josh.. Leo wouldn't want-."_

"Leo wouldn't-? Don't Sam. Don't you _dare _tell me what Leo-!"

"Josh." Donna put her hand on his arm and took the phone from him. "He's right." He watched her lift the phone to her face. "Sam? We're at the townhouse." She ended the call, running her hand back down Josh's back. "He's your best friend. Leo just died Josh. I'm sure the President could tell you something about not leaving things unsaid." Josh leaned into her, kissing the side of her head before standing back up.

"Get dressed before Sam gets here and gives me another reason to kill him."

"I'll try to keep from prancing around naked in front of guests.. but you know me." She got up and tossed a pair of jeans at him as she slipped into the bathroom.

* * *

He wandered into the kitchen pulling a white T-shirt over his head. He opened the fridge, it was empty. They hadn't been here in a month. He chuckled remembering how he'd given Donna the bed and slept on the couch. Only because Bram was there too. (He'd made him sleep on the floor, for sport.) He and Donna had shared a bed before. 

They'd shared his bed before.

Last night they'd shared his kitchen counter too, and the-.

The knock on the door shook him from the memory. He took a deep breath before opening it. Sam Seaborn stood on the other side looking pathetically remorseful.

"Hey." The trench coat and briefcase were gone. His hair was no longer slicked back but it's usual youthful mess. He stood there in tan slacks and a blue Harvard sweat shirt, looking like the old Sam for the first time in a long time.

"Hey." Josh nodded at the bag in Sam's hand.

"Bagels." He held it up. "I know how empty a fridge can get when you're only seasonally in DC. " He smiled hopefully. Josh nodded.

"Thanks." The tone of his own voice even made Josh feel cold.

"Sam." Donna's warm voice called out as she walked into the room. She took the bag from him, hugging him gently before moving across the room to Josh and kissing his cheek. She shot him a quick smile. "Am I covered enough?" She whispered, he s mirked at her before giving her a quick once over, just in case. "I'm gonna make coffee."

"Did she just say what I think she-?"

"Yeah." Josh shot down his playful question and flopped on the couch. "What do you want Sam?"

"My best friend's forgiveness Josh." He settled himself in a chair.

"I don't know if I can give you that." He told him in an honest whisper, never looking up.

"I never meant to hurt you Josh." He shook his head.

"I know that." Josh nodded, he knew he didn't mean to hurt him. "It's not that." He stood up turning to face Donna as she pressed start on the coffeemaker and joined them in the living room. "It's not about what it _did to me_. It's about what you thought of me. What you thought Donna should think of me."

Donna gave him a sweet look.

"You thought I.." His voice trailed off and he swung his wounded expression to Sam.

"I just wanted Donna to have the best. I-."

"And you thought I didn't?" Josh accused. "You thought I was so damn selfish that I didn't care about what Donna needed?"

"Josh don't pretend that you don't always come first with every-."

"Not with her!" Josh yelled.

"Josh." His head bobbed down at Donna's plea.

"Not with her Sam. I loved her. I love her. I wouldn't ever have.. ever.." He shook his head. "My best friend. My oldest friend.. didn't think enough of me to.."

"Josh I am sor-."

"I know that Sam." He whined. "I know that, but it doesn't make it any better."

"It was between me and Josh, Sam." Donna whispered softly. "You and CJ should have never been a part of it. I should have never let you be a-."

"Donna." Lyman shook his head at her. "Don't. This isn't you're fault."

"It's not all Sam's either." She pleaded.

"I know that. It's mine too." She started to protest. He gave her an appreciating grin. "No. It is." He looked back at Sam. "I haven't forgiven myself either if it makes you feel any better."

"I miscalculated what Donna meant to you." Sam choked out. Josh sniffed and shook his head.

"How long have you known me Sam?"

"Twenty three years." He answered glumly.

"How could you not-?"

"It was a difficult situation Josh."

"Yes it was, very difficult. That difficulty is the very reason why it was so damn important that she knew even if I couldn't tell her. I couldn't Sam. I couldn't and you just shouldn't have."

Seaborn nodded remorsefully.

"How could you think I would hurt Donna?" He almost sounded like he was going to cry. "I could never-." He watched her walk back to the kitchen to check the coffee. Josh leaned in closer to Sam whispering harshly. "You weren't here for Gaza. You don't know what that did to me. What it did to _her_. That is the only reason I can even still speak to you, Sam." Seaborn's face paled. "You have no idea. It's not part of some flippant sarcastic comment you can toss at me-." His eyes shot to Donna, making sure she was still out of earshot. "I almost-." His head swung down to his chest and he took a deep breath. "You'll never know anything like the guilt I feel over Gaza."

"Josh. I-." Sam closed his eyes. "I wasn't thinking. I was doing fifty things at once, it popped into my head. I know there's no excuse..but I wasn't thinking."

"No it _was_ what you were thinking." Josh swallowed hard. "What kind of man am I if that's what my best friend thinks of me? What kind of friend tells you that your betraying your president by leaving like Toby accused me of." Sam's eyes shot to his. "Ironic huh?"

He let it sink in a little.

"What kind of friend tells Donna to do 'something-anything' with out me? It just seems to me that maybe the solution is to get new friends." He looked back at Donna, she handed him a cup of coffee.

Gesturing for Sam to pour his own. Apparently the only person she brought coffee to was Josh. More irony.

"How do I forgive that?" Sam said nothing. Josh looked at Donna.

"I believed them Josh." He looked at his hands. "How did you forgive me for not believing in you?"

"You proved to me that you did. You never stopped trying. You just.. loved me anyway. No matter how hard I pushed, you pushed back."

She looked at Sam.

"Did you catch all that?" She smiled as he nodded slowly.

"Just so we're clear.." He shot Josh a warily uncomfortable look. "I don't have to.. 'bring you coffee' .. too? Do I?."

"Sam."

"I'm just saying that would be a deal breaker you-"

"Shut up, Sam." Donna finished for him..


	10. Precceding

He stood in the middle of her office, like he was trying to decide where he was going to put his stuff as soon as she got hers the hell out of his way.

"Joshua." She said blankly.

"Claudia Jean." His tone was far more formal than hers. It made her nervous.

"Can I help you? Or are you just circling my office like a vulture waiting for a gazelle to die?" She dropped the pile of files on her desk. "Margaret!" She watched the tired woman's puffy face pop around the corner. "Go home. Kiss the baby and don't come back until after the funeral. You need time." She looked like she was going to protest, but all she did was nod. She looked back at Josh. "Well? Where are you going to put the couch Josh?"

"I could use your help with something CJ." He said coolly.

"I think it looks nice there but Leo always liked having it-."

"Explain to me why you thought it was your place to tell Donna that I wasn't worth it? Part of the sisterhood CJ? Messing with peoples lives?"

"Her life looks like it turned out okay to me Josh." She snapped.

"Did you ask her how it's been? Did you ask her what this year was like?" His tone never dipped or rose. She knew this Josh. This was the Josh that their opponents had feared. Unrattled, personally invested hard core in for the kill Josh.

"She looks like she'd doing fine. She went from errand girl to incoming press secretary-."

"ERRAND GIRL?" Josh yelled cutting her off at the knees. "Well it's good to see you haven't let being Chief of Staff go to your head CJ."

"I just thought maybe she didn't want to sit around ordering your lunch-."

"Damn I'm glad you sent Margaret home before you started your defense." He shook his head. "And I was the arrogant one." He muttered. "Do you really think it would have ended different if she'd stayed with me? If she'd never gone to work for Russel? Do you think I would have kept her at a desk?" He walked closer to her, looking feirecly into her eyes. "That's what you think of me?"

"She deserved to hear another opinion Josh."

"And it just had to be yours didn't it?"

"Josh."

"So you told her I wanted her order my lunch for the rest of her life?"

"That's not what I said."

"Enlighten me CJ. What did you tell her when you were trying to convince her to leave me?"

"I told her the truth, that you weren't giving her every opportunity to grow. That you needed someone as capable as her to-."

"I needed her." He shot towards her. "It didn't have a damn thing to do with her filing capabilities."

"That's what I told her Josh. She wasn't staying for the White House or her career. She was staying for you. I told her she should date, sleep around even. Branch out, look for other opportunities to do something with her life that didn't revolve around you! All she had was you and her job, Josh."

"What the hell did the rest of us have CJ?" Josh shouted bringing up his hand and pointing his finger at her. "What the hell did you have besides your Job and a stalled relationship with Danny Concannon? What made you so different than her? You're impressive job title?" He shook his head before letting it fall back towards the ceiling. "It was what we all had, the job, the White House and each other." She tried not bend with the weight of his words. "You made her feel useless. Like I thought all she was good for was-. Like I didn't love herand need her more than-. You made her question the fact that all that kept us apart was what you were afraid the press would say. How a scandal would effect the brutal morality of the Bartlett White House." The last words sent a defensive shiver up her back. She stood up straight and looked at him sternly. He just shook his head.

"Josh I am-." She began looking down at the rug.

"You owe Donna an apology. I don't want anything from you."

She'd already left the West Wing when he went to look for her. He'd finally weaseled it out of Debbie that she'd over heard part of his discussion with CJ.

"Was she upset?" He whispered. Debbie winced.

"Where did she go?" The panic rose to his chest as he breathed out the question.

"She said she'd meet you at home Josh." The woman gave him a haphazard smile and he grinned back, kissing her on the cheek as he rushed out the door.

She was outside on the steps of the townhouse when he got there.

"Donna? It's cold out here." He pulled his coat off and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"I shouldn't have listened to her then. I just-" He waited for her to continue.

"Tell me about it." He whispered softly when it became clear she wasn't going to.

"Josh." She was pleading with him and it broke his heart..

"Donna. Baby, you need to tell me." He whispered holding his hand against the side of her neck. "I don't want this to be a thing..."

"Has it been a thing?" She looked at him in alarm. He grimaced at the expression and her eyes welled up with tears.

"Donna.." He whispered pulling her tight against his side.

"Josh. I-." She stopped again pressing her palm to his chest.

"I wish you would have come to me." His voice broke in the middle of the sentence and she whimpered at him. "If you would have just-. Why didn't you just-?"

"I don't know." She smashed her eyes shut and Josh brought his forehead to hers to comfort her. Squeezing the back of her neck. "I don't know.. and then the president made Charlie move on and-. He didn't expect him to hold his-."

"His what?"

"Coat. Josh he didn't-."

"Is that what you thought I-?"

"No!" She whimpered again. "Not until everyone-."

"Why didn't you just.."

"I don't know! I don't know! I-." She looked at him. "I'm so sorry. So sorry. I believed them Josh. How could I possibly-?"

"Shh.." He pulled her against his chest. "Shh.. Donna.."

"I left you. I walked out on you and I never even-."

"Stop." He whispered. She lifted her lips to his and kissed him softly. He brushed the tears off of her face. "Stop."

"I'm sorry." She kissed him sweetly with each quiet whimper. "Josh, I'm so sorry. I should have just trusted you."

"They weren't all wrong." He said pulling back and pressing his head against hers. "I'd been a total jerk. I wasn't trying hard enough to let you-. You know that right? You did deserve better than what I gave you. I was just..."

"Afraid." She nodded against his head. "I know."

"It's-. It wasn't all-. I wanted you with me. You're amazing Donna. You're going to be three times the press secretary CJ was. I mean that."

"You're just mad at CJ." She laughed, making Josh sigh in relief.

"No. I'm not. Not after tonight. Now I just feel sorry for her." He shook his head. "She was just trying to survive you know? Like we all were. It's not an easy place to be." He chuckled. "Yet we both run right back in."

"We'll have each other remember? Everything was fine as long as we were together."

He nodded.


	11. Precedent

He'd gone to see him, to thank him for his help with the campaign. He'd gone to talk to him about Leo. He'd gone to find out if there was anything he could do to help _him_ now.

He hadn't gone to talk about CJ. He couldn't even put together how Toby knew about CJ. He wondered who the mole was. He wondered if it was Sam. He hoped it wasn't Sam.

"What the hell Josh?" He'd said spreading his hands out over his face. "Do you have any idea what she'd been through?"

Even after Josh had explained everything he hadn't expected Toby to understand. He also hadn't expected him to defend her.

"You can't honestly blame CJ?" Toby's tone struck him as odd.

"How can I not?" He shook his head back and forth against the back of the couch. .

"Just because someone implies something doesn't mean that you have to run out and act on what they've implied. Donna is the one who took the information and ran with it. Donna's the one who used the information for-." He looked at Josh, knowing full well that he may actually get punched for talking about Donna this way. "All CJ did was plant the seed Josh. She just spoke with out thinking.."

"Oh my God." Josh breathed meeting Toby's face. The man looked away. "Tell me what I'm thinking isn't true. Tell me I'm wrong."

"Wrong about what Josh? You don't even know what your-." He hedged, moving further from the couch.

"For God's Sake! Toby tell me I'm wrong!" Josh shook his head. "I thought it was your brother!"

Toby looked at the mug in his hands.

"Son of a B-!"

"Josh!"

"She gave you-."

"It's not the information, Josh! It's what you choose to do with it!" Toby shouted at him. "I made the choice Josh. Donna made the choice."

"She shouldn't have put _either_ of you in that position." He shook his head. "She had no right to. Not with Donna and defiantly not with you! Now she rides off into the sunset. She gets happily ever after with Danny Concannon. She gets her pick of careers. You get jail time. Your kids get gypped of a father."

"Shut up Josh." He yelled.

"You can't even go to Leo's-."

"Shut the hell up!"

"All because CJ Cregg can't keep her mouth shut?" Toby's eyes shot daggers at him, but he never disagreed. He never said it wasn't true.

"She saved your ass more times then-."

"When? The secret plan to fight inflation Toby? All in all, I think that was a minor guffaw in the sea of the secrets and lies of our administration." Ziegler looked away. "All this time you all had me convinced the worst thing that could have happened was me sleeping with Donna." Josh swallowed hard. "You'd have thought after the MS I'd have realized my sex life was meek in comparison."

"We'll see Josh. We'll see if you can do better. If the Santos administration can slip spotlessly into history."

"Don't. Don't do that! Don't use me as an outlet for your damn feelings of inadequacy! You tried that when you accused me of betraying Bartlett as you were leaking CJ's Military Secrets to the press. Don't talk about Matt Santos. You have no idea about Matt Santos. You don't know Matt Santos from John Hoynes."

"I know enough to know you got lucky!"

"I know enough to know that you're a bitter washed up politician who betrayed Jed Bartlett. And that you're going to go down for an old lover who's marrying someone else next spring." He accused, standing up and walking to the door. "Nice seeing you again. Thanks again for finding me before I bled to death at Rosyln. Have fun in prison." He listened to the door slam shut behind him.

* * *

She'd taken up residence in his old office. It was empty, most of the offices were. CJ said no one had been in Josh's since Cliff, who moved out pretty quickly. She'd muttered must still smell like Josh and CJ had laughed hysterically. She was right though, it did still smell like Josh. Well, like the both of them really. A year later and they were both still ingrained in the pores of the walls and the rug on the floor. So she'd made herself at home, election wrap up, transition team information, and lists of people and places to call were all spread out on the desk.

"DONNA!" She smiled at the way he had known she'd be there. She wondered if it was just habit or if he knew it was were she wanted to be.

"Don't shout." She told him instinctively, laughing as she looked up at him. He wasn't smiling.

"So. I guess you've picked out your office huh?"He said flatly rubbing his hand back through his hair.

"Josh?" Her tone was slightly less panicked than she was, but not much.

"I mean. I would have thought you'd want CJ's old-."

"What happened?" She looked at his shaky hands, wondering if they were clammy. She reached out for one.

"Nothing." He looked away from her.

"Josh?" She moved back into his line of site. "Tell me."

"I can't-. It's nothing, come here." He pulled her around the desk and pressed his lips to the top of her head.

"Are you having symptoms?" She mumbled trying to keep the alarm out of her voice. "Cause if you feel-."

"Donna."

"Then we should go home for a while and rest because the funeral-."

"It's not a PTSD thing. It's an 'I thought I knew my friends and I don't' thing." She lifted her head up and studied him, just to be-. "I'm sure." He whispered catching her expression before kissing her.

"Your late." She said after taking a deep breath. "You have a meeting in the oval with the president and the congressman at two. It's ten after." He looked at his watch, she shook her head. "Josh-."

"Yeah." He moved past her towards the office door before stopping and shooting her a quirky, almost confused look."Donna?" She smiled nostalgically.

"I'm sorry." She said grinning slyly. "It's this building. I makes me want to do things for you."

He walked back a few paces and kissed her again before hurrying out the door.

"We should have done that more." He called.

"You would have never been on time!" She shouted.

"I would have! I had the most amazing assistant!" She smiled even wider as his yell faded around the corner. Her breath quickened as she thought of every moment just like that one and how she had almost taken them all for granted.

* * *

It was past one am when she heard him stagger in. She rolled towards the door.

"Josh?"

"Hey."

"You didn't call." She tried not to sound hurt.

"I was in a meeting." He sounded confused.

"You're meeting lasted eleven hours?" She kept her voice gentle.

"I.. we.." She debated letting him struggle, before coming to his rescue.

"Disagreed? Loudly? Right outside the Oval?" She sat up now, watching him struggle out of his tie.

"Who called you?"

"Not you."She muttered.

"I'm sorry Donna!" He didn't sound sorry.

"Margaret." She answered his previous question softer than she had intended too. "Josh?"

"I.. I just.." He flopped down to sit on the bed she crawled towards him and worked his tie all the way off and started unbuttoning his shirt. "I couldn't imagine Leo and Bartlett ever shouting at each other over who or what-."

"What did the President say?" She watched his questioning glance. "Debbie told Margaret.."

"He said they did."

"Did you fix things with the Congressman?" He shook his head no as she pulled his undershirt over his head. She smiled realizing he didn't seem to notice that she was undressing him like a child.

"No." He shook his head. "I.. He was gone."

"He probably went home to his wife." She muttered, watching his shoulders droop as she pulled his belt from around his waist.

"Donna I'm-." She put her hands on his face.

"Sorry." She grimaced at him. "I just.."

"I should have called."

"No. I know how this works. I don't have to be so-." She put her hands out in front of her.

"I think I though if today never ended.." He melted his forehead into the warmness of her open palm. She turned to pull him against her chest.

"Then tomorrow wouldn't come?" He didn't answer, just pressed tighter against her. "Josh." She nudged him back until he was laying on the bed. She unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down his body before swinging his legs onto the bed and curling back up against him. "You need to sleep." He nodded his head into her shoulder. "Just go to sleep."


	12. Pride

The funeral was over with, Sam went back to California. Santos and Bartlet closed themselves in secret meetings leaving CJ and Josh seething at each other in the office next door.

Josh poured over the lists of tasks watching the staff meticulously. Donna watched Josh meticulously, as if at any second he was going to self destruct.

* * *

Lou watched Josh shake his head in a concentrated effort to stay awake.

She didn't want to tell him what she had to tell him. He wasn't going to like it at all.

"Josh can I-?" She asked from the doorway.

"Sure.. sure.." He waved her in.

"I don't want to be your Deputy, Josh." She said quickly. "I can't handle you."

He blinked at her.

"I don't want you to be my Deputy, Lou." He told her blankly.

"Okay, why the hell not?" She almost laughed at the way her brain had demanded it be said.

"You can't handle me. I need-." He shook his head. "Why am I telling you this? You just said you didn't want to be my-."

She nodded putting up a hand to stop him.

"Bram said you were going to ask me to stay on."

"I was." He looked up at her, trying to stay focused. "I am."

"Okay?" She looked at him like he was insane.

"Yeah um.. as Communications Director." _Excuse me..._

"What?" She breathed. "I thought Bram was your choice for.."

"Your Deputy." He looked at her like she was a moron.

"My..." She looked at the wall. "Josh I-."

"Deputy." Josh repeated standing up and walking to the door. " I don't have timefor this. I need you. Santos needs you. Your country needs you. Pick a damn office and shut up." He swung the door open and left her sitting there speechless.

* * *

"Ma'am?" Helen Santos looked up at the lovely blond. She smiled sweetly.

"Donna, I'm glad you came." She gestured for her to sit. "Please eat."

"Thank you for inviting me." She sat down at the table with her.

"I thought you could use dinner. Is Josh letting you all eat over there?" Donna's face paled. "It was a joke Donna."

"I know that Mrs-."

"Helen." She said sharply.

"Helen." Donna repeated.

"How's he doing?" Donna started to fidget.

"He's... Josh." She mumbled.

"Is he sleeping? Matt's not sleeping." She looked at Donna, the younger woman gave her a cautious look. "I'm just Helen tonight Donna.."

"Ma'am I'm sorry but the last time a First Lady told me she was 'just' someone, I really put my foot in my mouth. "

"I need you to be candid Donna." She tried to sound understanding.

"If this is about Josh.." She was nervous. Worried.

"I want you to be my Chief of Staff, Donna."

"Oh." Her eyes were huge.

"I figure it might help the both of us, dealing with being the 'woman behind the man'. I'm not as good at it as you are Donna." _And I need a friend._

"You want me because of Josh?"

"I want you because you are fierce, ambitious and brilliant. The fact that you are capable of controlling someone like Josh Lyman is just a plus. " Helen smiled. Donna tried.

"I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately." She said quietly. Her smile breaking apart.

"I thought after the election you two would have more time to.." Helen leaned forward.

"Me too." Donna whispered.

"But.."

"He's a man possessed." She looked close to tears. "He hasn't been home in two days." Helen reached out her hand to the other woman. "I'm loosing him and I need him. It's not like before, before when I left it was just me but now.."

She looked up like she had just given away missal codes.

"You're pregnant?" Donna froze for a second and then nodded, tears streaming down her face. "You haven't told him?"

"No. I don't want him to-. He's pulling away. I can't use this to-. How will I ever know then?" She took a deep breath to stop the steady flow of tears. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Santos. This is really inappropriate."

"Donna, please. I want you to be my COS. Josh or no Josh. Will you think about it?"

Donna nodded. "You need to tell Josh." More nodding. "Are you and the baby alright?"

"Yes Ma'am." Donna's smile returned just mentioning Josh's baby. Helen Santos knew that smile. It was the smile that said 'I'm pregnant with the man I loves child'. She'd had it herself, twice. She wondered how Josh hadn't noticed yet.

"We are going to eat dinner and then you are going to get Josh and go home." She ordered.

"Thank you Ma'am." Helen Santos looked back at her, hoping her husband's COS was smart enough to realize how damn lucky he was.

* * *

"Josh." He didn't look up. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, hovering somewhere between desperate and stubborn. "Joshua?"

"There you are." He sounded annoyed. "Where the hell have you been?"

"What?" Where the hell has she been?

"I've had Edy calling you all day to set up a meeting." Her heart hurt.

"A meeting?" She tried to keep the panicked anger out of her tone. He didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah." He turned his head and looked up at her over the file he was holding

"You could have just _met_ me at home Josh."

"It's a work meeting." He explained to her like she should have assumed as much.

"Work?" She tried to follow his words.

"Yeah.. work.. job? Hello? Back to my being your-."

"Don't say it Josh." She put up her hand and tried not to cry. He looked at her for a second and then back to the file. "Don't say back to you being my-. I don't know if I could handle it if you said-."

"_Donna_." He sighed.

"You haven't been home in three days Josh."

"I'm working." He lifted the file. "I need you to start working."

"I can't work for you anymore." The words were out of her mouth before her heart had time to soften them.

"_What_?" The words slipped slowly out of still lips. Had he not been acting like a complete ass three seconds before, Donna would have cried when she saw the look on his face.

"Josh.. " She moved to the desk and knelt down in front of him. Wishing she could tell him everything. Wishing it could be different. "I'm not going to wait eight more years."

His eyes betrayed him in a pained flash. She squeezed her own shut and reminded herself why she was doing this. He let her take his hands in hers.

"Helen wants me to be her Chief." She watched a small flicker of pride flash through him and she squeezed his hands. "I don't know if that's what I want or not. I have to think about it. What's important to me now Josh is us."

"Donna.. " His voice was soft and scared now, he rubbed his thumbs against her wrists. "I don't have time for us now."

"That's just it. You will never _have_ time for us. You have to _make_ time Josh." She sniffed, trying to shake away the one tear that had slipped out of her pooling eyes. "Helen wants an answer in four weeks." She lifted her eyes to his. "And so do I."

She held his eyes and waited, watching the flickers. Fear. Betrayal, Abandonment. Anger. Worry. Reluctance. Back to Fear. Then it faded back into his stoic but stressed work face.

"Josh?"

"I can't do this.. not here.. not now."

"Come home with me Joshua." She begged. "Come home Josh, please?"

"I.. " She could tell he wanted too.. but.. " I have to go to California."

"Now?" She wanted to cry again.

"Tonight." He told her.

"Josh?"

"I need Sam." She nodded her head in realization. "I.. need Sam with me."

"You want me to drive you to the-?"

"I called a car." He looked at the wall. "Donna.."

She stood up, putting one hand on his face and kissing him.

"Donna." This time it was a plea. A plea that cut her to the quick. A plea that tested her new found maternal resolve.

"I love you." She met his eyes. "I love you."

She felt his gaze follow her out the door, she wondered if he could see how her shoulders shook in silent fear that she wasn't enough to save him from himself.


	13. Predestiny

"Sam?" Elise moved into his office. "Josh Lyman's here."

"What?" He cocked his head to the side. "Did you say-?"

"Did I stutter?" She growled.

"I can fire you." His tone was calm as always.

"Sam I already gave you my resignation." She remineded.

"Yeah." He shook his head. "Why are you in here again?"

"Josh?" She rolled her eyes.

"Oh.. yeah.." He gestured wildly towards the door.

"Did you want me to let him in, or slide into second base? " She said sharply.

"You're going to miss me." He told her.

"No." She grinned holding the door open.

"You're brothers not as nice as me."

"Yes he is."

"Oregon is rainy." He told her.

"So!" She pointed Josh towards Sam's door.

"Josh?" He looked like absolute hell in a rumpled suite.

"That's Will's sister?" He said absently, his red eyes opened too wide.

"Yeah. Josh?"

"I.. um..." His best friend looked around the room. "This is nice."

"I'm going to miss it." He told him.

"I'm sorry.. about your campaign."

"Ah." He waved his hand away. "You won yours that's what really matters."

"So." His eyes shot from the window to the ceiling to the floor.

"Josh is everything alright? Is Donna alright?" Josh let out a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

"Helen Santos wants her to be her COS." If possible, Sam thought his friend's eyes gotten even wider. He drew his hand across his mouth and down his chin. "She.. doesn't know if she's going to.. she.. wants me to.. do something.."

"Josh?"

"I need you to come back, Sam. I need you to come back and be my Deputy."

Sam took a step back.

"I have a life here." He said after a few minutes.

"You lost your election Sam."

"But not my life Josh, just my job. They're separate things"

"Have you been talking to Donna?" Sam was worried now. There was no alarm in his voice, no suspicion. Just utter exhaustion.

"I have a job waiting for me at Ainsley's firm. I have Ainsley."

"Hey I'm glad you mentioned that. Santos is thinking about letting Republican's live in DC." He mumbled the sarcasim seemed to deflate him and he slipped into a chair by Sam's desk. "Maybe she could be a test subject."

"She has a life here." He told him.

"You keep saying that." Josh whispered.

"What?" He was rapidly becoming more and more concerned. He reached into his pocket and cupped his phone. He was moments away from telling Elise that he needed to get Josh to a hospital. He was seconds away from calling Donna.

"_Life_." His best friend told him.

"Josh. What happened with Donna?"

"She's leaving." Josh swallowed hard. "She's leaving me again. They say the third times a charm."

"What happened? Josh just sat there. "Did she take that job with Lauren McCullen?"

"McCullen the Senator?"

"Yeah.. she got an offer."

"She told you about some job offer?"

"No.. she told.." He looked towards the door. "I heard it through the grapevine."

Josh muttered something about the assistants web being a scary thing. Sam let him blame Margaret.

"She said I have four weeks." He looked at Sam. "Until she leaves."

"Four weeks to change her mind?"

He nodded.

"So why the hell are you in California instead of DC changing her mind?"

"I can't." His heart was failing right here in front of Sam and Josh didn't even know it.

"Josh don't be stupid." Sam spoke slowly and clearly. "It's Donna."

"I.. can't.. I can't be who she wants me to be." Josh was in a haze.

"She wants you to be **you**." How could he think Donna would want anything else? "Do you even remember who that is?"

"I'm the chief of staff for the president elect."

"No. You're Josh Lyman. Son of Noah and Patrica. The smart ass pit bull who's loyal to a fault. You're the man in love with Donna Moss." Josh lifted his eyes to look at his friend Sam saw the utter fear in them. "Don't be Leo."

He watched the tears pool now as his friends hands shook slowly.

"Sam don't bring up.."

"He'd tell you the same thing Josh and you know it." He did. "Don't be Leo. Don't leave her waiting." He walked over and sat on his desk in front of him. "Don't mess it up. Go all out. Get the string quartet. Josh, it's Donna."

Tears slipped out of his eyes now and he brushed them angrily away.

"Don't be Leo. You don't want that.You're loosing yourself in this. That's not what you want, to die alone on the bathroom floor of a hotel suite. Alone. Without Donna." Josh met his eyes again. "Get the string quartet Josh."

They starred at each other for a long time before Josh's expression sobered.

"I need you to be my Deputy Sam. I need you there. More than last time." They both sat remembering last time.

"I have a job, I'm getting married." Sam remained firm.

"You had those things last time." Josh moaned.

"Yeah and look how well that turned out." He shook his head.

"I need you Sam." Sam knew he did, more than Josh even knew he did.

"I... I'll think about it." He shook his head at his friend. "I can't promise you a damn thing."

Josh nodded wandering aimlessly out of the office.

"Elise, get me Ainsley now." He yelled after Josh was gone. "Then get then get me the grapevine on the phone."

* * *

He sat in the car for a few minutes before making up his mind.

"Georgetown." He croaked.

_String quartet. String quartet. _

_Can they play Yoyo Ma?_

_Don't be Leo._

_Dead alone on the floor._

_Without Donna._

With-out-Donna.

With-out-Donna.

He couldn't breath when they pulled up. He tried to swallow as he staggered up the steps and into the town house. Somehow he knew she wasn't going to be there. Somehow he knew she'd be gone already.

"Donna?"

She wasn't there. Her boxes still sat unpacked stacked neatly by the door. Each marked for content by purple sharpie in her crazy handwriting. But she was gone. Her note was on the table where he knew it would be.

**Joshua. **

**I'm giving you space. I haven't gone far, I promise. There is food in the refrigerator. Eat something green, take a pill and go to bed. Don't try going to the West Wing tonight because I had Dr. Bartlet tell the President to order the Secret Service to 'take you down' if you tried. Sam left me a message. He thinks you're dying. If you are call Margaret and she'll take you to GW. I made her promise not to stop for red lights. Eat something green. **

**I love you. I do. I love you so much.**

**Your Donnatella**

He sniffed back the onslaught of tears, holding onto the note as he wandered to the fridge pulling out her chicken and broccoli concoction. No beer, just water with a post it note that said '**FLUIDS**'. He stopped trying to hold it in and let himself sob. He was clutching the note and considering throwing the casserole dish across the room. But it was a piece of Donna. It was the dinner she'd left him. It was what she needed him to eat because she was worried about him. He ate it, took a pill and went to bed. Her note still in his grip, through it all.


	14. Pushy

"You're here." He looked at his friend. Sam tossed his head back and wrattled the handle of his breif case. Josh went to tell him that was annoying, but it didn't come out right. "You came."

"Yes. We went through this last time. I'm here, I came.Can we skip a head?"

Josh nodded blankly.

"I'm here, and I'll stay here.."

Josh exhaled with palpable relief.

"If you leave."

"WHAT?" He actually stumbled back.

"Josh. You're killing yourself. You're killing Donna."

"You talked to her?" _He talked to my Donna?_

"No."

"Who? CJ?"

"No."

"Who? Damn it who is the deep throat!" Who was the common link? CJ, Sam, Toby, Donna..The person who spread information between them all, except Josh? He'd accused the assistants and almost gotten killed. Apparently they only did that with each other.

"Hey you're here!" It was Will Bailey.

_It was Will Bailey._

"It's you." He breathed. "It's him?" He asked Sam without looking at him. "You're in on.."

"Josh! Focus!" His eyes snapped back to Sam. "I'm here. I'll stay.. you need to go. You need to take a week. Get a grip on yourself. Find Donna."

"_String Quartet_?" Josh whispered.

"All the stops."

"Don't be Leo?" He asked his best friend.

"Don't leave her waiting." Sam muttered.

"Where is she?" He looked from Sam to Will. Bailey reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys tossing them at Josh. Josh starred at them for a minute before glaring at Will ' _Please Come Work For Me and Bingo Bob'_ Bailey.

"I've been at-. I haven't been there." He told him in a frightened tone. Josh looked at Sam.

"Alone on the floor Josh." Sam warned. "No Donna."

Josh was nodding now grabbing his coat, folding up files.

"I'll be.. I'll be.. You can call me."

"I won't." Sam said pulling the files from Josh's grasp and handing him a manila envelope. "Go."

He looked at Sam then at the files.

"It's a job. This is not who you are." He told him sternly. "She is who you are. Go."

He was nodding at him as he pulled on his coat and making his way towards the door. Stopping suddenly and coming back around the desk. He threw his arms around a surprised Sam.

"Thank you." He breathed moving back from him in what he hoped was the most manly way possible.

"Kiss Donna for me." Sam laughed.

"Not a chance Uncle Oscar." He yelled as he ran out of the office.


	15. Promise

'_Sam said he looked like hell. Sam said he was miserable. Sam said he was a mess. Sam said he needed you_.'

She sat on the couch replaying Will's words in her head. She looked at the clock, Josh would still be at the office. She picked up her phone and put it back down. She put her hand across her abdomen.

"He'll be okay. He'll be okay." She told herself.

Margaret had called.

_'Donna I know you're trying to make a point. I know you're trying to send him a message, but Donna I'm worried.'_

She stood up and moved to the kitchen of Will's immaculately clean apartment. It was different than Josh's. Bigger. Cleaner.

It wasn't her home. The townhouse was her home. More so than the apartment that she'd had while she was in the White House. Josh's home was their home.

Her stuff had still been in 'her' drawer. She'd swallowed hard when she'd opened it. She thought it would be empty. She though he would have filled it with loose socks or ripped up sweat shorts. He hadn't.

It was still stocked with her Bartlett for America shirt andhis boxers with the black pin stripes she loved to sleep in. There was the lotion she used. There was a pair of her jeans and two sweatshirts of Josh's that he'd shrunk in an attempt to do his own laundry when she'd gone back to Dr. Free Ride. It had all been there.

She'd dumped her bra's and panties on top of it all. She wondered if would have ever gotten rid of it.

_'Donna. Look. I feel awful even talking to you after everything. I've never seen him like this..' _

CJ's message had made her cry. If CJ was saying it, maybe she'd been too hasty. Maybe she should have waited until he'd gotten his staff in place. Until Sam came home. Until they'd picked a VP. See.. this is why she'd had to draw the line. This is why it would have never happened unless she did this.

Her phone rang.

"_Donna? Is Josh alright_?"

"Bram?"

"_Some guy named Sam shows up and says he's talking some personal time. What the hell happened Donna_?"

"Sam's here?"

"_Yeah. I think Will Bailey called him. They were all in Josh's office, then Sam says Josh is taking some-._"

"Personal time?" Donna's breath quickened. Personal time meant PTSD. Personal time meant he'd had an episode. Personal time meant she had gone too far with this. It meant he was in trouble. Itmeantshe was just sitting on the couch doing nothing while he hurt. "Did Sam leave with him?"

"_No. No. Sam's still here ordering everyone-_."

"I've got to go." She hung up the phone running back into the living room, grabbing her bag off the floor and ran towards the door. It opened before she got there.

She stopped breathing when she saw him standing there. They were both frozen for a second.

"Are you okay?" She whispered worriedly.

"I am now." He said with certainty.

"You took personal time." She tried not to sound as scared as she felt. "I.. I thought.."

"Sam made me." He smiledat her bag and moved towards her stopping a few feet away. "You were coming to find me?"

"No." She took slow breaths, trying to keep from crying. "Maybe."

"I don't want to be Leo." He told her. "I don't want to leave you waiting."

"I don't want you to be Leo." Her voice was quiet.

"I need you." His eyes crinkled.

"I need you Joshua. More than you know."

He moved closer.

"Tell me." His tone was firm, despite the rapid movement of his chest.

"I need to hear more." She told him honestly.

He smiled and held up the envelope Sam had given him.

"I was going to take my new assistant..." He told her his face taking on a familiar snarky expression., pulling the tickets out and looking at them. "Some times bosses do that." Her breath caught in her throat. He smirked at her. "I.. I packed our bags. I'm sure I did a horrible job, but I.. "

He took another step towards her.

"You took personal time?" She breathed. "To take me to Hawaii?"

He nodded.

"I need to hear more."

"I love you." He began, as he sniffed back tears. "I don't want to wait eight more years. I let this become who I was. It's not who I am. It's just a job. It doesn't make me the man I want to be." She swallowed a sob. "**You** do that" She laughed a little.

" I was going to wait for Hawaii. I was going to be really smooth" His eye brows rose as he closed the short distance between them and took her hand. "But why start now huh?" Hedug into his pocket. "I.." She recognized the ring right away. "Marry me." It was a command not a question.

"Josh.." He put his hand on her face. "How did you get my grandmothers-?"

"Your mom gave it to me in Gaza. I tried to send it back, she'd just send it back to me. I see where you get your stubbornness." He laughed reaching up and touching her face. "Without you I'm nothing..."

"I have to tell you something." Tears filled her eyes, but she was smiling at him.

"Tell me yes." He pleaded.

* * *

"Sir?" 

"There you are." Jed Bartlett turned towards Sam Seaborn. "Cupid himself."

"Yes sir." He smiled slyly.

"Matt? Have you met Sam Seaborn? The White House's prodigal son?"

"My new Deputy Chief of Staff?"

"Yes, Sir." He studied Matt Santos.

"The man that can handle Josh as well as Donna can?"

"I'll try, Sir." Sam smiled. He liked this guy.

"I'm trying not to be offended Sam." Bartlett joked. "First he up and leaves me. Next he calls me creepy. And then comes back to work for you.

"Well from what Josh say I'll take him."

"You'll need him." Bartlett patted Sam on the back.

"Mr. President?" Debbie poked her head in. "Helen Santos is here to see you."

"Something you want to tell me, Jed?" Matt raised his eyebrow. Helen walked in on the phone. The three men just looked at her.

"Okay. I'm in. " Said into the phone before she looked at Sam. "You Sam?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Donna says to ask you to ask the president to call Josh's cell phone."

"Is everything all right?" Sam said suddenly. He'd talked to Donna last night. She said they were fine.

"She sounds fine." Helen shrugged.

"Debbie!" Jed frantically called. "Get me.."

"Josh Lyman on line one, Sir." She was almost Donna like.

"Josh?" Jed Bartlett called into the phone, worried. "Is everything.."

"Did I miss it?" Abbey Bartlett walked through the side door.

"Miss what?" Sam squeaked.

"They're getting married." Helen Santos smiled at Sam. She'd hung up her cell.

"They're.. what?"

"_Getting married!" _Sam looked at the presidents phone, apparently now on speaker._ "Sam.. Sam.. Listen!" _Sam could hear it in the background. He smiled._"String quartet baby!" _

"_Sam_?" He heard her voice call.

"Donna?"

"_Thank you_."

"Sure."

* * *

(a week later) 

"So the secret meetings.." Josh shook his head.

"Yeah." Sam nodded.

"..were about a secret plan to mediate between Russia and China?" Josh laughed.

"Yeah." Seaborn sniffed pouring himself another drink and returning to the conference table.

"No more jokes about my secret plan to fight inflation." Josh announced. Sam threw a pretzel at him.

"Secret Plan for wh-?" Bram started.

"You don't want to know." Donna stopped him.

Josh's assistant Peter wandered into the room and handed him his mail.

"I wanna know about the-." Lou started. Sam shook his head emphatically. "Is it okay to drink in here? I feel like it shouldn't be okay to-."

"It's fine. Only Josh isn't allowed to drink in here." Donna explained. "How did Annabeth's mock press conference go?"

"She was awesome." Lou rolled her eyes.

"See, Josh I told you she was-. Josh?" He was starring down at a piece of paper. "What?" Sam leaned over and looked at the paper. Josh showed it to him.

He just nodded knowingly.

"It's from Toby." He told Donna. "It's a... poem."

"It's an Epithalamion." Sam collected.

"A what?" Bram asked shaking his head.

"A wedding poem." Donna mumbled, always the queen of trivia. "Read it." Josh gave her a look. "Read it, Sam."

_**They Wed**_

_**Josh and Donna Lyman 2006 **_

_Careening Caravan of Courtly Cavaliers_

_He, most loyal amongst them, but lost among them. _

_Fierce Fickle Forbearance_

_Victory will be his_

"That's you before Bartlett was elected." Donna informed him.

"Cavaliers." Sam smiled. "Four qualities of a good man."

"Huh?"

"Loyalty, humor, drink and friendship." Sam supplied holding up his glass towards his best friend. "Us on the campaign trail."

It wasn't lost on Josh that Toby had named him **_most loyal_** amongst them.

_Soul soaked fair-ly with few flavor_

_Still fain in sobers fancy_

_but by a drop is he_

"Oh my god it's his sensitive syst-."

"Donna!" He whined. "Read Sam."

_His tentatively too trained heart thrown _

_tightly down in discord_

_He waits unknowingly_

_for her._

"It's you before Donna." Sam announced, Josh smiled at his wife.

_**They Meet**_

_Still and Statuesque of Alabaster born _

_Fair of face but firm_

_by her rule_

"Ooo.. Toby!" Donna cooed. "He didn't think my rules were dumb!"

_She is the queen and keeper _

_of his humbled hurted _

_heart_

"Roslyn." Sam blinked up at Josh who nodded.

_**They Wait**_

_Twisting through time waining love _

_for land-ly duties_

_taking stage._

_For King and Country... _

_is his heavy quest. _

_still she waits_

"And waits and waits and.."

Donna laughed at Sam. Josh shook his head and pointed at the poem.

_She'll shed her body's blood_

_have but his name on_

_labored lips._

Josh swallowed hard. Gaza.

"How did he know?" Donna mumbled.

"I told Sam." He whispered.

"I told... everyone." Sam snickered.

_**They Part**_

_Foe and Friend forbid freely_

_muddling their mystery_

_he is lost_

"Lost is an understatement." Josh swallowed.

_Crisping Cries of Crowds, Gold state _

_glory great godly grief guiding _

_fates fine future's found_

_**They Wed** _

"How did he know about the California numbers?" Josh looked at Donna and shook her head.

"I told CJ." Donna admitted.

"CJ told Will.. in case he got the question." Sam explained.

"Did he?" Donna asked.

"Nope." Sam shook his head.

"Figures." Josh muttered. "Toby wrote this?"

Sam nodded.

"We haven't picked a-." Josh whispered to Sam.

"English?" Lou shook her head. They continued.

"Is there anything.. about the thing?" Donna asked.

"I'm in trouble here aren't I?" Lou moaned.

"If he's been pardoned." Sam asked.

"I'm never gonna catch up if you guys don't start talking in words." Lou shook her head

"PETER!" Josh bellowed.

"Don't yell!" Both Donna and Peter answered at once. Donna smiled at him.

"Okay. No more talking to my wife." He shook his head. "Find out what the criteria is for Poet Laureate. Find out if-. Find out how clean of a guy you have to be."

Sam, Donna and Josh exchanged glances.

* * *

A/N 

I read a fanfic about Toby being the poet laureate a while ago and it stuck with me. I thought it would be a good way for him and josh to get some what back on track...


	16. Parties

"This is surreal."

"What?" Donna whispered.

"I'm sitting in a room with the man who will be the President of the united states in three days and his First Lady and both there Chief of Staffs.." She looked at Sam. "And I'm.. well..."

"The enemy?" Josh smirked raising an eyebrow.

"A republican." Ainsley smirked back at him.

"Yeah.. why is that again?" He teased.

"Come on!" Santos almost whined. Turning up the radio and dancing around the room. "This is supposed to be my 'Normal Citizens Party'!" Jed Bartlet had recommended it. A sort of bachelor party for his last few nights as a normal person.

"All right no shop talk." Josh laughed. "Matt wants to get Jiggie with it."

Donna snorted at her husbands use of the word _Jiggie _from her spot beside Helen Santos on the sofa.

"He had very high verbals." She giggled shooting a look at Sam who's lips were pressed together in a tight line. Josh smirked at her.

Everyone had gone home besides the three couples. It was weird to Josh that it wasn't weird hanging out with the Santos'. It was just like hanging out with Sam and Ainsley. Only Sam and Ainsley were not nearly as drunk as Matt and Helen.

He felt Donna looking at him. He smiled turning his eyes to hers. _This, _he thought. _This was everything he'd ever wanted. _

"I talked to Toby." Sam said quietly from the chair beside him.

"Yeah?" He winked at Donna and turned to face his best friend. "How was he?"

"Unreadable." Sam mumbled. "Worried about tomorrow. Worried he won't do it."

"He will." Josh told him with a certainty he hoped wasn't misplaced. "He'll do it."

"He owes him Josh." Sam said softly. "He owes all of us."

Eight years ago he would have disagreed. Eight years ago he would have said they owed him. But it had been a long eight years. He knew Sam was right. He nodded at him, turning his head back to Donna.

She and Helen exchanged glances before she shot a questioning look at Josh who gave her a go ahead smile.

"Sam?" He turned to his friend. "Don't get mad. I wanted to tell you first but-. Well she can almost be as scary as Abbey."

"What are you talking about?" Sam sat up straight. "What did you do?" He smirked and nodded his head towards Helen and Donna.

"Ainsley? What are you're plans in August?" Helen Santos tilted her head to the left.

"Ma'am?" Helen looked at Donna.

"I'll need a chief of Staff for a few months."

"What?" Ainsley almost choked on her drink.

"You know she's a republican right?" Sam asked.

"Is she a good one?" Helen laughed. He nodded. "Do you believe in education and health care for children?'

"Yes Ma'am." She mumbled, taking a prolonged sip of her drink.

"It's only six weeks." Helen leaned back and raised her eyes at Donna like they were actually muling it over..

"She'll do." Donna nodded.

"Wait." Sam said suddenly, flipping his eyes to Donna. "Where are you going in August?"

She grinned at her husband.

"Labor and Delivery." Josh said smoothly, winking at his friend.

"No." Sam mumbled.

"Yes." Donna smiled.

"You're pregnant?" Ainsley shook her blond head and shot a glance towards Sam. "You didn't know?"

"No." Sam said turning his face towards Josh. "How long have you known?"

"Since Hawaii." Josh grinned.

"Oh God! Congratulations!" Ainsley yelled moving across the coffee table to hug Donna.

"Wow.. Josh I mean Wow." Sam muttered. "Since Hawaii?"

"Don't feel bad Sam. Helen knew before I did." He added rolling his eyes.

"I'm a woman. I know everything." Helen smirked, glancing at Matt who was staring at Donna.

"Josh Lyman: the father." He mumbled.

"Christ." Sam murmured.

"Hey!"

"Little Josh's ..."Ainsley whispered grimly.

"Running through the halls of my White House." Matt snickered.

"Ainsley?" Helen looked at her expectantly.

"Oh.. I mean.. Yes Ma'am. I'd be happy to fill in for Donna."

Helen sat back pleased with her answer.

Donna grinned at Josh.

"You guys are.. you're gonna be.. " Sam was shaking his head, his wide eyes skipping back and fourth between Donna and Josh. "Parents."

"Yeah." Josh felt his cheeks turn red and he looked at the ground. "Yeah."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

Somethings never changed, Josh though looking over at Donna. He cast his eyes back to Sam and smiled. It was like the four years between them never happened. It was like 'the thing' with Donna never happened. It was just like it always had been. He pushed Sam out of his comfort zone and Sam had his back. He felt Sam's strong arm clap against his shoulder.

"Uncle Sam. I'm gonna be.. oh crap I'm gonna be Uncle Sam?" Sam shook his head, Donna started laughing. "Why have I never thought of that before?"

"It's cute." Ainsley was laughing now too, she pursed her lips in encouragement and kissed him on the cheek.

"Sure. It's.. cute..."

"Maybe he'll be born on the fourth of July. We could call him Yankee Doodle Dandy." Josh said dryly.

"Oh-kay.." Santos sighed. "My first Presidential Decree.. Donna gets to name all the Lyman children.."

"Hey. You're just Matt Santos man from Texas tonight. I'll name my kids what ever I-." He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head slightly. "What ever Donna tells me to."

"Good answer." Sam mumbled. "For a second there I thought you were in trouble."

"Shut up Uncle Sam." He muttered.

"Yeah." He snickered.

"We are going to do this again." Matt said frimly sitting down beside Helen. "President or not I am still a man. I still need friends.. you are all my friends.. We are going to continue to do this."

"Get drunk in Josh and Donna's townhouse?" Ainsley's eyes widdened.

"No. Have dinner together. Have a good time. Talk." He corrected. "When I'm not saving the world. Or.. well when Josh isn't saving the world through me." Lyman lifted his glass to his boss.

"We never did that." Sam's wirey voice made Helen smile. "I'm not sure you can do that."

"Why not?"

"Leo never did that."

"I'm sure Leo had dinner with Bartlett."

"Yeah but not with us. Not with wives and... subordinates. Leo never had dinner with any of us." Sam looked cautiously at his best friend. "You probably won't either."

"Shut up Sam. Just cause Leo didn't doesn't mean I won't." He smirked. "I think it was an age thing. Leo was a friend of my fathers.We must have looked like kids to them. The three of us are the same age." He nodded towards Santos. "It's not as weird."

"We were kids." Donna mumbled, a slow smile creaping across her face.

"No, you were a kid. The rest of us were miserably middle aged." Josh smirked again."I'm just a creapy old man."

"Cradle robber." Helen mumbled.

"I'm young at heart." He said proudly.

"He's a big baby." Donna informed them.

"Hey." He whined.

"You are Josh. You whine. In fact you just whined there." She told him.

"Only to you." He said sweetly. "I only whine to you." She stood up and sat on his lap in the chair.

"Good to know."

"So. We are going to do this. At the residence. At least once a month." Santos stated, looking around the room.

"I give it two months." Sam muttered.

"If that." Josh agreed.

"What was that boys?" Matt asked poping an olive in his mouth. "Did you say something?"

"No sir." They said in unison. Donna smiled. Some things never changed.


	17. Perceptions

**Despite early rumors.. I am not Martian Sheen's love child.. nor am I employed by anyone associated with West Wing.. I just have a really really thorough spoilers site and an uncanny ability to predict how the characters will react to stuff.. It's part of my TV OCD.. You can email me for the site.. but come on it's only three weeks...**

**Lori

* * *

**

"I'm trying not to be hurt." Sam muttered, his glasses slipping down his nose as he and Josh poured through the files. "I was, in fact. the one that saved your pathetic love life from ruin after all."

"I said I was sorry. You expected me to argue with the future First Lady and my pregnant wife?" Josh muttered shaking his head at the bottled water that Peter was holding up for him, instead of his usual Red Bull. "Water?"

"I have my orders." He mumbled.

"I told you to stop talking to my wife." He sighed, unscrewing the top of the bottle and taking a chug. "Caffeine is not going to be what kills me."

"She said you'd say that. I'm supposed to remind you that you're going to be sixty when the baby graduates High School." Peter said dryly walking back out of the office.

"Ouch." Sam moaned.

"How come you don't look like shit?" Josh asked his friend. "You look better than you did when we were campaigning for Bartlett."

"I took a four year vacation. You only got a week." Sam's usual as a matter of fact tone made him smile. "Thanks to me. Yet another reason I'm trying not to be hurt."

"Sam.. Helen knew before I did." He reminded his best friend.

"How'd that happen anyway?" Sam was shaking his head.

"I don't know. I barely understood it when she told me."

"Yeah?"

"I'm asking her to marry me, and she's crying and I'm begging and she says yes. I say something about how we could have gone skiing..you know.. because of the thing-." Sam nodded and Josh continued. "And she says she can't go skiing because pregnant women shouldn't ski." He stopped, letting a dimpling grin pull at his cheek. "Just like that... Pregnant women shouldn't ski."

"Sounds like Donna. Always keeping you on your toes." Sam joined him in the smile.

"Sam.. If you hadn't come.."

"She'd have come found you, and dusted you off and made you come home with her." Sam finished. "This is Donna. She may leave but she never goes far."

"Yeah." He suddenly flashed back to Iowa. Her opening his key carded door for him. "Yeah." He remembered how he'd found her halfway out the door in a blind panic to get to him. She would have ran red lights. "She's going to be my kid's mom."

"Lucky kid." Sam said softly before returning to his folder.

"Yeah." Josh starred into space a moment longer before dipping his head back towards his report. A slow grin still slipping across his cheeks. Charlie was standing in the doorway when Josh looked up again. "Hey What are you doing here?"

"CJ wanted me to tell you in person." His voice was unnervingly calm. Sam turned towards him.

"And?" Sam's breathy whisper made Charlie grin, Josh closed his eyes in relief

"He did it." The younger man "They're processing it now. Andie's on her way to get him. CJ's headed over to the house before the media gets set up there."

"She better hurry." Sam warned.

"She's almost there." He held up his cell phone.

"Sam you should go.." Josh looked down at the table. "I can't go. It would look like.."

"I probably shouldn't go either.."

"Guys?" Three sets of eyes turned towards the voice. Matt Santos chuckled at there expressions. "Go see your friend."

"Yeah?" Josh asked tentatively, pausing to think before issuing a warning. "It'll look like your administrations supporting-."

"Their friend? I think that's an okay message don't you?" Matt looked from Sam to Josh. His Chief had a far off look on his face.

"Yes Sir." Sam answered, smiling widely. He looked at Josh, frowning at his friends expression. "Josh?"

"Huh?"

"Do you wanna go?" Sam raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah.. Yeah sure." He clicked his eyes back to Sam before gathering up his things and rising to his feet.

* * *

CJ held her breath before she got out of the car and wandered up the walk. She managed to duck inside unseen. An hour later the place was crawling with reporters, she sat herself on the landing of the staircase and waited for Toby. Then the door opened and she slammed her eyes shut against the noise.

_"No comment. No comment."_

_"Mr. Ziegler do you regret your actions?_

_"Toby! Toby! Tell us your side of the story!"_

_"Mr. Ziegler have you spoken to the President?"_

_"Have you apologized to him?"_

_"Mr. Ziegler have you spoken to CJ Cregg or Josh Lyman?"_

_"No comment. No comment."_

The door shut and she opened her eyes. He stood in front of her for the first time in over a year.

"You came?" He whispered cocking his head slightly to the right and taking in the site of her. "You shouldn't have-."

"Shut up!" She whimpered sharply launching herself up from the step and wrapped her arms around him. He froze for a minute before gently bringing his hand up to her back and smoothing the other down her silky hair. "Shut up. Shut up."

"Okay. Okay." He took a staggered breath and tried to hold back his own tears.

"I missed you. I missed you so much, you big jerk." She cried.

"Yeah." He sighed into her neck. "Me too."

It was times like this that Toby wished he was as good at saying words as he was at writing them. He pulled his arms tighter around her as she started to sob. Knowing she didn't need his words now anyway.

* * *

"Donna?"

"I'm in the bedroom." He followed her voice until he found her sprawled across their bed. "So, so very tired."

"Helen wasn't kidding huh?" He asked pulling off his tie and working his feet out of his shoes.

"Helen was being nice." She moaned. "I feel like I just spent a week working for you again." He chuckled at that, pulling his belt off and settling down on his side next to her. He moved her hair over her shoulder, tracing the outline of her face. "I think your child is trying to kill me."

"Would it help to say that I love coming home to you?" He asked.

"Perhaps it softens the blow a little." She smiled.

"Would it help to say that I think that you are the most gorgeous pregnant woman ever?"

"A little more." She nodded.

"How are things in the First Lady's camp?"

"Done. How's.. everything..." She paused and truly regarded him for the first time since he'd walked through the door. Her eyes searching his for an update on his mental health.

"I tooka pill, Donna." He told her smiling. "The best defense is a good offense."

"You should sleep. We only have four hours."

"You don't have to get up with me. Ainsley offered to help Helen get ready in the morning so you could rest." Josh pulled the blanket up around her.

"No. I want to be there with her.. and you." She yawned, Josh smiled. "I'll be okay. How was Toby?"

"He looked dazed. CJ couldn't stop hugging him. It was almost funny." Josh smirked kissing her shoulder.

"Matt was right to send you. Annabeth put out a statement about being people first and politicians second. It was nice." She closed her eyes. "Different from Bartlet, you know?"

"Yeah." His face took on the same look it had in the conference room earlier. "Donna, I'm thinking I should go public with the PTSD." He watched her blue eyes snap back open. "No more secrets, be a person first. I need to talk to Santos. Tell the staff at least."

"Josh, are you sure you-?"

"No. I'm not sure of anything. I just want it to be different this time. You know?" His voice was low and he felt her move towards it.

"I don't know what to-."

"Don't. Don't say anything. We'll talk about it later." He ran his fingers in circles against her back. "It can wait until later. Sleep. Tomorrow'sour big day." He paused for a moment before moving his hand down to her abdomen and drawing his thumb across it. "Notour biggest day anymore. Just big." He heard her sniff out a laugh before watching her concerned expression soften into sleep. "I love you Donnatella."


	18. PTSD

Sam was pacing. Donna watched him from hr perch at Josh's side. he didn't like this, he'd almost begged Josh not to do it. Donna smiled at him as her turned his next lap back towards them. It had been the question that had changed his mind. His protests falling silent as Josh asked him why he left the Bartlett White house. 

Lies, too many lies and too many sacrifices. Donna understood that all too well.

When Lou, Bram and Annabeth filed in Josh had tightened his grip on her hand. Donna flashed her eyes to Sam who sat down knowingly at Josh's other side. She watched her husband's lips twitch up slightly, the fact that the two people he trusted the most in the world had him surrounded was not lost on him.

The door from the East Wing opened and the Santos' moved into the oval. Margaret let Ainsly and Joe Quincy in before shutting the door behind her.

It had struck Ainsly as odd that Joe Quincy hadn't seemed surprised when they'd told him. She hadn't known about the crash he'd witnessed. Or how Josh had breathlessly asked the secret service agent at their door about Donna's whereabouts or how she'd appeared ghostly white with worry in the door way. Maybe that was the night he'd known there was truth to the DC rumor about Josh Lyman and his assistant. Maybe he'd even known then that Josh had residual side effects from Roslyn.

_ 'There were rumors?' Ainsly had asked raising an eyebrow at his nonplused expression._

_ 'No.' He'd said honestly shaking his head. 'Not one.'_

_ 'Good, then we did our job.' She'd said softly._

"Josh? You want to tell us why we're all here?" Santos looked around slowly. "With White House consol and your personal attorney.. ten days into the administration?"

Sam felt Josh take a deep breath next to him. He fixed his eyes on his best friend and waited.

"Because you're not Jed Bartlett." Josh said slowly raising his eyes to Santos. Matt looked confused. "And this administration should make that clear from the start."

"I'm sorry I thought we covered that then days ago?" He waved his arms. "We all sat in the sun? I took an oath? It started with I Mathew Santos.."

"Sir, you're aware of the secretive nature of the previous administration?" Sam asked ignoring the sarcasm.

"The MS."

"Among other things Sir." Sam continued cautiously. "There were other things."

"Leo's addiction problems." Annabeth supplied from the other side of the oval.

"CJ's involvment with Hoynes, Toby and the NASA leak. My unintentional involvment with a call girl..." Sam cleared his throat.

"You weren't very good at keeping secrets." Helen decided. "Everyone knew everything." Sam felt Josh stiffen.

"No. Not everything Ma'am." Donna said softly, Josh lifted his head up.

"The Christmas after I was shot at Roslyn I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." He watched Matt's eyes carefully. "Donna figured it out almost immediately, but not before I'd screamed at the President in this office, made a scene at a national concert and put my hand through the window of my apartment."

Donna's hand smoothed down the back of his head resting at the nape of his neck.

"You're better now though?" Bram whispered naively. "I tend to be able to stop myself from punching out-."

"Joshua." Donna squeezed his neck. "It's an ongoing condition. He takes medication when he needs it."

"You have... attacks?" Helen asked quietly.

"Episodes." Donna corrected nodding at the First Lady.

"Election Day." Lou breathed. Josh met her gaze while the rest of the newly informed held there eyes on him.

"Yeah." He answered her non-question.

"They're not usually that bad." Donna assured her.

"How bad?" Santos said in alarm.

"It wasn't a thing. Donna took care of it. Five minutes tops." Lou reported.

"No." Josh was shaking his head. "Not that trivial. Donna got me out of sight. It wasn't-."

"The worst of it was over though." Donna told Lou. "The actual flash back.." Josh winced and she readjusted her grip. "That was over. That doesn't usually happen. If I had been paying attention it never would have-."

"Donna stop." Josh pleaded. "You didn't-." He kissed her knuckles and rubbed his face with his other hand.

"What.. does.. usually happen?" Santos looked at Donna.

"He gets.. more moody than usual... jumpy... He as trouble concentrating..." She looked at Sam.

"The thing with Otto a few days ago..." Sam looked back at Donna who nodded. Josh had been yelling at the young speech writer over something stupid until Sam interrupted with a bottled water and a poignant look. Josh had left the room to take a pill muttering an apology to the young man. "Donna and I know the signs." He looked at her again. "She's filled in Peter."

"The rest of you should probably.." Josh started.

"Josh's doctor is willing to talk to everyone about warning signs and what the best course of action is." Ainsly looked at Sam before turning to Annabeth. "He's willing to make any public statements-."

"Public?" Santos' eyes lit up.

"Yes Sir." Josh told the man. "No more lying. Sam left the previous administration because of the MS lie. Leo's silence came back to haunt us. I don't want to pull a nutty at some public function and have Annabeth have to explain why we lied to the American people again. Donna and I put our lives on hold for years because of what it may have done to the administration. Withholding that truth was a big part of why she and I left the White House the way we did." He smiled at her. "Toby.. Hoynes.. it was all about untold secrets. You told the press we were people first." Annabeth nodded at him. "This is a part of who I am."

Santos nodded. Helen took his hand and squeezed it. Matt shot Joe Quincy a look.

"What about his medical disclosure."

"His evaluation says he's fit for duty. That's all it has to say. He disclosed to the board. They found him fit. That's all. The medication is on the fence. It's as needed, we could compare it to a prescription cough medicine.." He shook his head. The ethical stuff will be up to Ainsly."

"We have mental health groups and victims rights groups standing by. Stanley Keyworth is well known and respected. If he says Josh is alright people will believe him. We're ready."

"How do we?" Santos looked at Annabeth who was looking at Donna.

"Danny Concannon." Donna said with certainty. "Call him tell him Josh needs his for a thing." Annabeth nodded. "We'll have him do a fluf peice on us. The baby.. how we came to be in the first place. He can stick the PTSD in like it's old knowledge. A climate check." Annabeth finished writing and smiled at Donna.

"CJ?" Santos whispered.

"She knows it's coming." Sam told them. "I told them something was coming about your thing." He told Josh.

"Again with 'the thing'" Lou sighed in frustration. "Bram and I are knew to this little White House posse. You guys want stuff out in the open start talking in words. Trust us."

Donna looked at her husband.

"You're right." Sam told them softly. "It's a habit."

"Talking in code." Ainsly added.

"Secret Code." Annabeth mumbled.

"I'll... you'll have to remind me.. I'm.. not very good with.." He glanced painfully at Donna.

"Speech?" She teased.

"Trust." He rolled his eyes.

"That too." She grinned at him. He looked at Lou then back at Santos.

"No more secrets?" He raised his eyebrows searching for approval.

"People first." Matt nodded.


	19. Political Insider

Political Insider

February Issue

Danny Concanon.

* * *

_Recently, I sat down with an old friend, former Bartlett Deputy Chief of Staff and President Santos' COS, to talk about changes. Lyman has had many changes in his life this year, both profesionally and personally. In a very rare interview about himself, I was able to ask Josh Lyman about these changes and how it feels being the man behind the man._

JL: So what are you like the fluff guy now? Weren't you that hard core political reported Danny Concanon?

_DC: Ouch Josh_.

JL: I'm just saying, a couple of weeks with CJ and-.

_DC: I want to talk about your love life Josh not mine._

JL: Ahh yes.. my love life.

_DC: Josh Lyman's off the market._

JL: Sorry ladies.

_DC: You're a newlywed._

JL: Yeah I guess I am. I never really thought about it that way.

_DC: Cause you and Donna have been all byt married for nine years?_

JL: Except for all the good stuff.. I mean.. Thanks Danny she's going to kill me... No you know.. physical stuff.

_DC: But come on Josh you two were-._

JL: Well.. I never gave her a goldfish or anything.

_DC: Maybe if you had it wouldn't have taken you nine years to get laid._

JL: Ouch.

_DC: Who's fluffy now?_

JL: Not you.

_DC: Just for the record, Donna was your assistant when you worked for Bartlett._

JL: My incredible assistant.

_DC: you two never consummated your relationship while working for Bartlett?_

JL: Donna and I never pursued a physical relationship while we were serving under Bartlett.

_DC: Not at all? You two were so-._

JL: Nah.. Can you imagine what they would have said about us? People who don't know Donna would have questioned why she was hired.. it could have been ugly. You know?

_DC: The perfect stereotype. The beautiful blonde leggy younger assistant?_

JL: (Snickering) Yeah add young that helps me.

_DC: You could have never taken advantage of Donna_.

JL: Of course not.

_DC: Anyone who has ever seen the two of you together knows she was the only one who had any control over you. She had you right where she wanted you all along_.

JL: I wouldn't say-. No you're right she had me pegged from the start.

_DC: Those of us who knew you and Donna would have understood_.

JL: Thanks a lot Danny where were you when the mother of your illigitamate Goldfish was threatening my life?

_DC: CJ threatened you? And lay off my fish._

JL: Nah CJ never said anything. It was our decision.

_DC: Did you and Donna discuss it?_

JL:(smirking) Not directly No.

_DC: Ahh yes the infamous Moss/Lyman banter. So you and Donna never..? I always assumed you two had._

JL: You and half of Washington. Was there nothing better to do then wait for Donna and I to start making out?

_DC: Come on Josh, there were office pools, secret codes and disaster plans ready to go.._

JL: And you know this because your girlfriend helped create them to keep her mind off of her own 'conflict of interest'.

_DC: Hey hey.. we're talking about your forbidden love not mine_.

JL: Yeah it's nice to be done with all that isnt' it?

_DC: The inappropriate pining?_

JL: Well.. I'd have said the waiting but-.

_DC: You pined Josh. I watched you pine._

JL: Donna pined. I denied.

_DC: You threw snowballs at her window Josh. I was there_.

JL: Okay I pined and hid it.

_DC: Even from Donna?_

JL: Yeah but she knew.

_DC: Did you convince yourself it wasn't true?_

JL: Nah.

_DC: Yeah?_

JL: Yeah.. come on Danny you know how it is. You knew with CJ.

_DC: Yeah I knew_.

JL: God I'm glad that's all over.

_DC: You're damn lucky Josh_.

JL: No kidding.

_DC: So Baby Lyman huh?_

JL: God help us all?

_DC:(laughing) Something like that. Donna is going to be a fabulous mom._

JL: She's amazing isn't she?

_DC: A baby's going to be a peice of cake after taking care of you_.

JL: If she didn't have a nervous breakdown after taking care of me after the shooting she can handle anything.

_DC: How are you health wise? You were shot in the chest in Roslyn. I know you have some long term damage_.

JL: The bullet tore my pulmonary artery. The biggest concern is my blood pressure. Staying in shape, eating right it all helps in not to put undue physical stress on my heart. Donna of course shipped me off to the cardiologist after Leo's death and everything came back great.

_DC: What about emotionally? You mentioned Leo McGarry's death. I know he was like a second father to you. Have the emotional side effects from Roslyn caused a problem with all the emotional highs and lows of the year?_

JL: You know me Mr. Emotionally Grounded.

_DC: Honestly Josh how is the PTSD?_

JL: Better. I've learned how to cope with it over the years. It's been six years now since my first real episode. It can still be triggered by emotional events. I've had my fair share this year with being separated from Donna, leaving the White House, the campaign and Leo's death. That was a big test of my mental stability. He was like a father to me.

_DC:_ _Your own father died on an election night didn't he?_

JL: Yes. During Bartlett's first primary election.

_DC: Donna was the one who told you then?_

JL: Yeah. I had her with me both times. Thank God.

_DC: Did Leo's death cause an episode?_

JL: No.

_DC: No?_

JL: I have a really great support system of friends and family who helped me through. I take medication now. I'm not saying it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. We all were shocked and thrown off kilter of a long time afterward, but we all got up and dusted ourselves off.

_DC: So this is the new Josh Lyman? Married father and COS?_

_  
_JL: Josh Lyman all grown up! I've got to be there for Donna and our children.

_DC: I'm speechless._

JL: Wow that's impressive.

_DC: No more Deputy Downer?_

JL: You have to ask my wife and the President about that one.

_DC: Josh thanks for talking to me. Congratulations, you don't deserve any of this. (laughing)_

JL: Any time and thank you Mr. Cregg.

_DC: Funny man._

JL: So they tell me.

* * *

_Danny Concanon is a former Bartlett campaign and White House correspondent. He has no retired from political life with his fiancee, former Bartlett Press Secretary and Chief of Staff, CJ Cregg. They now live in Santa Barbara California and have recently helped to found the African Road Map Project._

And just like that, there were no more secrets. Donna took a deep breath, closing the magazine and looking over at Josh still burried in his. She just hoped he'd made the right choice.


	20. Peace

Nothing happened.

Donna waited for the other shoe to drop from her office in the East Wing. She waited for someone to say something slanderous about her and Josh. She waited for someone to say Josh couldn't do his job.

No one did.

So Mary Marsh went on the Sunday Morning Circuit. She looked like a fool when Chris Mathews quietly asked her if Josh should have been fired for getting shot and she sputtered.

It was over. The deep dark secret faded into the back ground. Donna shook her head in confusion.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked turning her body under the sheets towards her husband.

"Since when do you ask to ask?" He mumbled from behind closed eyes.

"Josh."

"What Donnatella?"

"Why was it going to be an issue? All of it?" She blinked at him.

"CJ's reason or mine?" He asked opening his eyes to hers.

"Both."

"Well.. I think that we.. all of us.. though people cared to much about who was sleeping with who. I mean Sam screwed a prostitute and that went away. But you and me? We're too risky? It don't know. They never really told us we couldn't."

"What about you?"

"I thought they'd take you away from me." His eyes had closed again, and his voice was almost inaudible. "I couldn't have handled it."

"Josh." She brought her hand up to his cheek.

"Why are we talking about this? I don't want to-."

"I'm sorry." She told him quietly, her voice lost somewhere in the past.

"Donna.." Hewarnedher in an almost pleading whisper. "I couldn't handle it."

"You have me Josh. No one can take me away." She moved closer and tucked herself under his chin and he possessively circled his arm around her pressing her lower back and drawing her closer into him. He skimmed his other hand across the outline of her rounded body. She stopped his hand and pressed it into her until he could feel the soft flutters of their child. "Noah and I.." She said softly. "You're stuck with us."

He had tried to suppress the wary sigh of almost relief, but she heard it anyway, pulling him closer.

* * *

"Josh. She leaves today." Sam looked at him for a long time after he said it. Josh wondered what he wanted him to say. 

"So what like I should say goodbye?" He muttered.

"She's your friend." The Deputy Cheif of Staff rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. Not so much anymore." The words snuck out under his breath.

"Josh.. Nine years.. You're going to toss out nine years over one stupid conversation?"He watchedSam shake his head ashe spoke.

"Donna sent her a card." Josh told him weakly.

"Josh Come on." Sam had dug in his heals on this.

"I can't okay?" He said finally shaking his head back at Sam. "I can't."

"Josh.."

"We can't get beyond CJ, Josh, CJ, Josh.. it's rediculous." He picked up his papers off of the desk. "He's got a thing." He pointed towards the oval and Sam nodded.

"How about 'have a safe trip?' Can you say that?" His bestfriend offered.

"Sam." He groaned.

"It's CJ and she's leaving." Sam said softy.

"Yeah." He huffed out.

"Okay?" Sam lifted his eyebrows.

"Yeah." Josh told him before beaking eye contact and slipping into the Oval.

* * *

"So how do you transport a goldfish?" CJ looked towards the voice.

"Joshua?" She hadn't noticed the secret service walk through. Maybe she'd grown so accustom to them she'd forgotten that normal society didn't included armed gaurds

"You can call off your.." He flipped his hand back towardsToby who hovered in the doorway behind him.

"I'll be.." Ziegler began.

"I come in peace." Josh called corsly over his head. "Down boy."

CJ watched him leave and turned back towards the last remaining peices of her life.

"I didn't think you'd-."

"Yah Well.You know." He shook his head. "So how do you?"

"Very carefully.. I had to get a presurized tank with a filter.. big mess." She pointed at Gayle and the equipment. "I should have let Danny do it."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." She turned back towards him. "So.. Lately.. it's been brought to my attention that I lack essential qualities that aide in social emotional conversations."

"Wow."

"Yeah." She looked away again. "Josh.. I don't know what to say."

"Yeah me neither." He rubbed his hand through his hair. "I don't know what to say. But I needed to say goodbye."

"We had a good run didn't we?" Her eyes were hopeful. "I mean it was good."

"It was." He told her softly shaking his head slowly. "So you're going to fix the world?"

"Yeah.. looks like it."

"Good."

"So you'll be ruling said world."

"I'll have help.. but yeah.. looks like it."

"Good."

They stood in silence until Toby cleared his throat and tapped his watch.Josh nodded giving CJ a once over before hugging her quickly and making his way out the door.

"He came in peace?" Toby asked quietly.

"He came for peace." CJ told him softly picking up her fish and turning towards her friend. "Lets go."


	21. Preview

_This is a preview of part two it starts two years later. They are knee deep in the reelection campaign and Bartlett's Presidential Library opening is a week away._

**Getting Back There**

They'd been laughing all morning on the plane.

"We're using your office." Donna announced pushing Josh playfully out into the corridor. "The president has his own."

Deana handed her a stack of mail.

"She's kicking me out of my office." Josh told Charlie's little sister.

"This surprises you how?" Dee muttered looking back over her shoulder at him.

"I hate your assistant." He teasingly told Donna.

"Josh?"

"Huh?"

"Get out."

"It's my office."

"Yes and I'm using it." She looked quickly into the presidents office. "Ma'am we can use Josh's office."

"Your boss has her own suite on this plane." He reminded his wife as Helen Santos slipped past him and sat at his desk.

"Yes and my husband has an office that he's not using. Now go." She pushed him into the Presidents office.

"Sir."

"Josh did you just get beat up by our wives?" Santos chuckled.

"What's new?"

"Whatta ya got?" Matt nodded again with a chuckle.

"Lou wanted you to go over the campaign speech for tonight." The President held it up. "Annabeth's been getting questions about your view on 23-416."

"What's my view on 23-416?"

"Not a big fan Sir." Josh said blowing air through his lips.

"Okay what else?"

"The secret service needs to go over some things with us about the Disney World trip and the kids. I'm gonna farm out my parental duties to Donna.. you wanna-?"

"Yeah what makes you think my wife will go for that? Your kid is two. Mine are eleven and nine. I'm gonna have to use the Dad voice."

"Yeah.. I farm that out to Donna too." Josh teased. "Oh and we have to go over the New Hampshire trip. We'll be staying with the Bartlett's in Manchester. You and the first family are welcome."

"We're going to stay at the Governor's Mansion. This is your family reunion Josh, not ours. Tell President Bartlett thank you."

Josh nodded.

"Mathew!" Helen Santos' panicked shout rang out across the plane.

The president had started out from behind his desk by the time Deanna had made it to the doorway.

"Josh. They need you next store. We're going to need Ron Butterfield on the phone."

Josh moved quickly past Dee and into his office. He met Donna's wide eyes as Matt moved in behind him. One of Helen's agents sat quietly beside Donna on the couch.

"What?"

"We got a death threat." Helen said as another agent carefully removed the letter from her hand.

"Someone threatened to kill you?" Santos asked his wife softly.

"It's not uncommon. It's only uncommon that the letter reached you Ma'am. Someone had your pass code for-." Josh began.

"No." Helen said firmly as Santos reached for the now bagged letter. "Not me. Donna."

Josh stopped breathing and looked at his wife. She starred back blankly.

"Oh my God." Santos grimaced as he read the words.

"Let me see it." Josh whispered.

"I don't think that's a good-." Santos began.

"She's gotten threats before.."

"Not like this.." Donna whispered finding her voice.

"What did it say?" He made his way over to the couch and sat down on her other side. "Donnatella?"

"It's very graphic." Matt whispered.

"It says how they'd kill us." Donna told him.

"You and me?"

"No." Matt's voice croaked out of his chest.

"Me and Noah." She swallowed hard and wiped her tear filled eyes. Josh stopped breathing.

"What kind of psycho describes in detail how they'd kill a two year old boy?" Matt grumbled.

Donna clapped her hand to her mouth and ran towards the bathroom door. Josh shook off his shock and slowly got to his feet to follow her. Matt Santos put his arm around his wife and looked at agent Sullivan.

"Savannah, I want extra protection on the kids. I want an agent so close to Noah that he has baby food on his jacket, got it?" Matt shouted, wincing at the sound of Donna's sobbing and retching from the bathroom. "Get this out of here before Josh tries to read it."

"Who says they're going to cut off a baby's toes?" Helen breathed from under his arm. Santos swallowed not wanting to know the answer to that question. He turned to see Edie standing in the doorway. "Get a medic in there to check on Donna please." He whispered at her. Josh opened the door just enough to stick out his head.

"Dee, will you go get Noah and take him to Sam please?" He asked softly. She nodded and he closed the door.

"Fill him in." He told the agent with the note. "Deanna tell him to stay with Noah and we'll meet him in the conference room."

* * *

Josh laid Donna on the bed in his office, thankful for the sedative. She'd stopped throwing up long enough to fall asleep.

"Josh?" Deanna's soft voice called into the dark room. "They're waiting for you in the conference room." Josh looked back at Donna. "I'll stay with her."

"Thanks Dee." He said softly putting his hand on her arm as he wandered through the plane.

He knew Sam had read the letter the moment he saw him. The man's forehead creased into two angry wrinkles and his lips pressed into a white line. He was holding Noah's sleeping form tightly against him. It was obvious if you were going to look at this kid the wrong way you were going to have to kill Sam Seaborn first. Josh smiled at how Noah had buried his face into Sam's neck.

His eyebrows went up when Josh walked intot he room. He moved over to the couch and Sam met him there. Lyman peeled his son away from his best friend and kissed his forehead.

"What do we have?"

"We're compiling a list of all those who have access to Donna's postal code." Sam told him softly.

"You read it?" Again he knew the answer when Seaborn swallowed and ran his hand up Noah's back.

"You shouldn't." He choked.

"Is this about me? About being my wife?" He asked. "Or about being Helen's COS?"

"It's not clear. There was no issue mentioned. There was only a reference to what it would do to your sanity. No grievance." Agent Savannah Sullivan shook her head as she spoke. "Just a graphic detailed description of how they were to be tortured and killed."

Josh rubbed his face.

"_Josh, Ron Butterfield here_." Lyman looked at the phone on the desk.

"Ron what do we do?"

"_We've contacted the first families school and doubled security. We've doubled the agents on Donna and The First Lady as well as all three children."_

"Thank you."

"_We sent an agent to pick up your mother and bring her to the hotel. We decided you should stay there this trip instead of with her."_

"I called her Josh. I told her there was a threat made on you. I didn't have the heart to-." The deputy chief of staff shook his head.

"Thanks Sam." His voice was muffled against Noah's brown curls. "Ron? I want Gina on Noah's detail." Gina was Zoë's old agent. She was the best there was.

"_Done_." Ron said simply.

"What about Deana? When I got threats they'd take Donna home at night and check her place."

"It's all set up Mr. Lyman." Savannah said softly. Josh nodded and leaned back against the couch listening to Santos dismiss the meeting and the group file out.

"Okay?" Sam said softly. "What's are plan?"

"If he's not in the White House he's with one of us at all times." Josh said firmly. "You, me or Donna.

"Exactly what I was thinking." He sighed. "I called Peter and had him send someone over to upgrade your security system."

"Did you call Ainsly?"

"Yeah. Ron recommended a private agency to get someone for Leo." He shook his head. "My six month old needs a body guard Josh."

"My two year old gets death threats." Josh kissed his son.

"When this is all over? I mean when our eight years are up of course.." Josh met his gaze. "You're not roping me into another one Josh. Not after this." Sam's eyes broke away as Josh nodded and landed on Noah's peaceful face.

"I don't even want to take him off the plane."

"Yeah." Sam pressed his forehead into his palm. "How's Donna?"

"Sedated."

"Yeah I figured after.." Josh looked at him pleadingly as his voice trailed off.

"No Josh." He shook his head. "No."

"How can I comfort her if I don't know what it said?"

"You read that? You'll do something stupid. Or worse you'll have a major melt down and Donna will have to take care of you. Josh trust me you don't want to read it." Sam absently stroked Noah's chubby toes. "I wish I hadn't. You don't want to know."


End file.
